I'd like to slowdance to the rhythm of our heartbeats.

The scene has shifted.

2009-08-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

Table 123; back to basics.

This is my last post for this blog. Turned eighteen, & decided i need a change. Those who wish to know my new url, can drop me a text directly or find your way, like spy spy people. Down with a bout of illness lately, it's the first for the year and i hope it's the last.

Bye bye:)

Shades of grey.

2009-07-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

So tell me, am i worth less or am i worthless?

-

Hues of red, orange and yellow coloured the morning sky, accompanying me on my journey to school. It was a breathtaking sight, catching the sunrise. Shades of its wonders got me enraptured in the beauty of it all. Sleepy-eyed, the rays filtered through the tiny slits of windows to my soul, providing a momentary comfort. Most of the others were probably too absorbed and consumed to take a step back and gaze at nature's wonders. Least qualified to comment, yet i can't help but ponder-a captivating sight like this needs to be shared, & yet the most beautiful sky can turn to grey. Captured by the canvas painted before me, it lay down the rest of my day to come as it slowly turned cloudy and grey.

-

By space, the world engulfs me. By thought, i encompasses the whole.

Save Our Souls.

2009-07-09T04:06:00.000-07:00

I never liked, being neither here nor there.

-

Consumed within my thoughts, i began a long way journey back home. One more day, & freedom smells fresh and near. Not long again, the vicious cycle begins. But what is there to worry for, when everything should fall into place once again.

-

I dare not speak, for the emotions will spill. Yet i yearn to. Tell me, that it will be karma, that i'll do good this time round. perhaps. Weekend is coming, & i only know of one whom i wish to spend it with. ;)

And so, i'm at home.

2009-06-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

EEEK, incredibly bored at home.
Listening to music on youtube that i don't have,
and trying desperately to read economics.
Sky is grey, i like.
Bed is comfortable, wish i could lie on it.

But no, happy studying, friends!

Volatility shocks.

2009-06-18T19:38:00.000-07:00

Come friday, & i havent completed much. Many a time, i talk about home as a safe haven, peaceful and functions like a quiet retreat for everyday that you live and return to. It's meant to be a comfort, yet situations have become tricky. I dread coming home now, which is why i return home late everyday for the past few days, weeks maybe. One thing that comforts is the smooth texture of my sheets and familiar scent, as i lay tucked in my bed. Ramblings & all, do not give in to my whims and fancies for i will be a spoilt brat, forever will be, resenting the fate that awaits. Okay, no more rantings.

It's friday, this week's gone by in a exciting manner because of some queer realisations:
I realised i'm pro-gay (Not because i'm gay or i know ppl who are, but because it's true i believe everyone should be able to love whoever they want to love,be it of the same sex or opposite sex, thanks to someone who made me see this point), I realised i respect ppl who have a religion or a faith to call their own. I realised i should not lament on what i don't have, instead focus on what i have and live for the moment.

I bought a toy giraffe from Cold Storage yesterday, beat that. I realised i love change and spontaneity, i am a happy girl hugging golby lovegood to sleep. :)

Sun, Sea, Breeze:D

2009-06-11T20:15:00.000-07:00

Holidays finally, how i enjoy the beach and sea breeze with not much noisy crowd. It is a quiet retreat with my only plan of the holiday, i like. :D

Feel the scorching fine sand beneath our feet,
telling secrets that we'll never leak.
Enjoying good food like we always do,
Preparing it was never a chore to.

Waterline is receeding,
Differences are what we're feeling.
From friends to partners,
Together we walk, & i'll never want to be alone.

Feel the cool breeze against our faces,
Pictures of me, you draw on brown paper.
A picturesque view before us,
& i hold contentment in my hands.

-

i love being with my only plan of the holiday, &i'm just so lazy to get out of the house for anything else. Even if so, i'll only head out at night. Most of everything else is a chore, & im failing my plan of going into hiding where unimportant people doesn't exist.

I'm suffering a bout of writer's block, & i'm sad. Wished i could spend anth day at the beach, just writing about nothing & sketching. That'll be my true holiday, but no im a student & i must study. Out of the many times i wanted to give up and be a loser saying studies aren't impt, much as i'm tempted to do so, but i snap out of it because i don't want to give up anything without trying& i won't give up, because nothing's too hard.

Been out for the whole week, met many people from the past. Like how i was, and how i am now. In a couple of months, i'm going to be 18 and seeing how much things have changed. Every moment now, i cherish it because who knows what tmr brings. I've been hiding a skeleton in my closet, unlike how adam lambert decides to admit he's gay on rolling stones magazine. & everyone is so hyped up, even mph bookstore reported a soldout on that mag, when it's so obvious he's gay. It's interesting how some ppl have a gay radaar like it's part of a dna gene, yet others can be gay due to environment they grow up in.

I barely know what i'm doing now.
Maybe i take myself way too seriously.

Sleepy-eyed, & i don't ever want to wake.

I love my only plan of the holiday, & nothing else matters more. ;D

Injections of ecstasy to prevent withdrawals.

2009-06-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

12 ppl started out on a journey together as a team,

7 ppl are left to form a union.

ECP/ mystery of the silent broom&bike attack/ Cycling for 3 hours/ Beyond sailing centre/ Ants attack/ creaking bicycle chains/ Potluck lunch/ suntanning/ mock wrestling/ life-saving exercise/ lost in camwhoring/ Simple joyous times.

In the vastness of the dark,

there'll always be a bright light shining.

Burger king/ attempts to study/ oily body/ Interrogations of who's who's friend/ unbiased judgement of who's bangs is nicer/ Party paradise/ shooting hoops at arcade/ playing addictive games/ pooh-eeyore-red bag & yellow tofu toy/ long LONG walk just to pee comfortably/ an excuse to keep company longer.

Day to Night, i capture pictures in my head.

Great company + Changing moods

What else is there to say, it's been a wonderous hell of a day. :D

Pictures speak to us like before,

Better than words i type before me.

The ecstasy and joyous feeling,

arises from great company i never want to leave.

Till then again, we see you again.

2009-06-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

Coach's farewell@ viv's place.

Spastic moments:D

j4- Jas & i

j3- pinpinthenut& i

j1- Rachel the termite & i

HOUSECOMMERS :D

All's well, ends well.

With the different generations of vjsg captured within a single post,

those i know & will dearly miss.

It is a fond ending,

better than the victory earned,

sealed on the cup with a emotional kiss.

Please Don't Fret.

2009-05-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

Tmr is the last day, that's what i hear on everyone's lips. & it's just great to be reminded of that. Every single day now, i dread school so much i never knew i could, yet somehow, i manage to pull myself out of bed and know there's a greater purpose to living on, besides for my own mundane needs.

Playing the same song over and over again,smth about i saw you, you saw me, that's when i needed you, you needed me; i love you, you love me. is it possible we love differently. We're alright now, gonna breakdown the breakdown. To love without obligation, that's the greatest thing anyone can achieve because loving is meant to be simple, it has no terms or conditions. You love them for who they are, give them security and make them feel safe.

-

My gp tutor was talking about ppl in school today, she sees things that makes so much sense. i adore her for that even though she can be a bore when i'm not in the mood. Today, i concur with whatever she said with a disclaimer note that most ppl wldn't like to hear what she's abt to say. She mentioned that in this rapidly growing society, there's this moral disintegration rapidly eating away.Surrounded by people with no empathy and yet we claim that we are civil, there is no politeness, no gratitude shown. Sometimes we get weary and we conveniently forget, or other times, we face the peer pressure to pretend to just look away because you'll be a loser if you do the right things all the time. Note, i'm criticising myself in a way. We've always asked for a better world, why be a coward and take a backseat. Yet i see how we're all insignificant in this world we live in,& it's hard to change.

-

Baby, please don't fret.

Today's a bad boo boo.

2009-05-27T02:47:00.001-07:00

Today, i was unproductive.
Today, i had 6 periods of pe.
Today, i got my personal best timing for 2.4km.
Today, i got cheated with extra lessons way overtime.
Today, i got a kit kat but didnt have a break.
Today, i gave away stickers like i did before.
Today, i was left behind 'cause i was slow to act.
Today, i felt lost.
Today, i made small talk with sm whom i dislike.
Today, i ask a questions but was ignored, not once, not twice, maybe thrice or more.
Today, i got cheated as i walked out alone.
Today, i got on the bus home while the sun was still in the sky.
Today, i looked away.
Today, my emotions came and in a split second i felt naked before a bus of strangers.
Today, i revert back to before.
Today, i cut...

I'm not that strong, You're not that weak.
It's not your fault.

Tmr will be better. Let it be.

Chapter one.

2009-05-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

Johnny was young, he was as carefree as a lark. He lived on a hillside not faraway, in a wooden hut he called The Sanctuary. It was a beautiful place, with a navy blue lorry parked on the driveway, a short drive away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Like all children his age, he had parents. Unknown to many, Johnny had a very unhappy childhood. Whenever his father came home, he noticed the change in the atmosphere under his roof. His mother would go silent and retreat into her room. His father would remain silent as well, a fatherly figure that was non-existent which go as far back as he could remember. It continued on for years, the cut in his heart that go deeper and deeper. No one celebrates his birthday in his family, major occassions became insignificant. Johnny became a shadow of his formerly carefree self. He didn't understand why his family was unlike others. Many questions weighed him down and he was helpless because he was only a child, always a child in his parents' eyes.

Until one sunday, he woke up to find both his mother and father was already out of the house. A few hours later, his father came home to leave lunch on the table while hurriedly leaving home. From the corner of his eye, Johnny saw a teary-eyed figure who has crumbled. The years of silence left carvngs on this face and his strong silhouette shattered into pieces. & Then his mother came home soon after, asking if his father said anything. They had signed the papers, that's what she said. Young and innocent, Johnny didn't understand what she meant, what papers, he'd asked but she kept quiet. Perhaps it was a mother's instinct to keep the truth from the child. Overprotective and shielded Johnny away from what she thought he couldn't understand, but he did.

Johnny was alone, sitting on the grass basking in the warm sunlight. That's what he enjoyed most, nature. Surrounded by meadows and Daffodils, gave him the pleasure and calmness he always enjoyed. On this same sunday, seated on the same spot under a great Banyan tree, he was watching the sun paint the sky a shade of crimson yellow and red. On the fields of Daffodils, he would jump and prance around. Deep within him, his heart dances with the Daffodils and nothing else could bring him comfort that the sparseness and serenity could. As night falls, he could see what's infront of him anymore. The sun is disappearing below the horizon, and so he started running. He ran and ran and ran, chasing after the sun, chasing his dreams...

It's what you do to me.

2009-05-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

TCC ;D

I woke today at the lazing hour, having had a pretty long nightmare which i can't remember details of. Only faint images of disarray and hectic schedules, woke up feeling damn right relieved that it's a sunday. Yet disappointed because i let lethargy get to me again. I think i might turn into a nightcrawler someday in the near future. While all that are fantasies, realistically speaking, i have a day life to lead and nothing can change that fact. Despite all the waste of time through sleeping, i managed to develop photographs and go for a hair cut. Best part, i fell asleep again later on the afternoon, waking up to realise it's close to 9. What to do, i let it sink in that i'm indeed tired. It's like an accumulation of sleepless nights. Some people say it isn't true, the accumulation of hours of lack of sleep daily. I believe it's something to do with the mentality when you know you haven't manage to sleep well. Subconsciously, your mind rejects the idea of waking up when it knows you can afford to sleep more. [Anthropology]

Due to a slip up of lack of insensitivity, i forgot to reply a msg which incurred some displeasure. I hate it when people don't reply my msges, as such i understand the unhappiness i caused. I promise not to do it again. & yet there are others whom i know will take forever to reply,reason being: 1) They just didn't feel like replying at the point in time& forgot to thereafter; 2) They are terribly mad at me.

My mind is rather disorientated now, i fear yet look forward to the coming week. Everyday i realise new things about humanity. How hard some people try and give their best yet do not get a chance to start, in comparison to someone who has lost passion and enthusiasm yet has a headstart due to sheer experience. But maybe, a vicious cycle may come back to bite me in the arse and tell me i don't deserve it.

Like puppy lapdogs,
Overenthusiastic & rash.
Sarcasm splattered all over the fence,
the border that was always meant to be.

Enough about me, everything is such a bore. Maybe i'll talk about johnny the next time instead.

Evocative.

2009-05-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

I remember feeling low...
I remember losing hope...
I remember all the feelings the day they stopped.

Today, marks great significance after giving further thought on my way home. It seems like it was just yesterday, a year ago...

Immense joy and excitement washed over upon me all the way till night fall:
I won my first national championships;
I was announced Captain unexpectedly.

Today,
Our team qualified for the finals, a contender to become Champions again;
I officially step down as Captain.

It was a maelstrom of emotions as House comm has left deep impressions on me. Many a time, i wished i was stripped of the badge i wear on my chest because it weighed me down and reminded me of my responsibilty and ownership over my committee. Today, it dawned on me that i wasn't going to be wearing any name tag anymore, i am reduced to normality and typicality. The journey for House has ended, and i feel like i've had a great loss. Kenickie's msg reminded me of all the fun times,Draquila on the tree house during house camp, partying to chase away the monday blues, watching m&ms sizzle away in coke, karaoke sessions in the den, catching a movie at vivo, pasta mania dinner aft inter-house soccer, fun house comm outings! :]

& today, marks the last day of trying to balance out the 2 most impt committments since i stepped into college life. Just one more full week to go and i'm ready to say goodbye.

Thought of the week: We're only as tired as we want ourselves to be.

& now, i'm tired. So long & goodnight all.

Little wonders.

2009-05-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

It's a Tuesday night, & i was out late. Away from all the crowd and gregarious laughter, the supposed fun and laughter i had been looking forward to was gone. Pain and lethargy sets in and every step i take became an aching need and preference to sit on some comfy chairs and not move instead. I took a picture in my mind, black dangling cylindrical lamps hang in a straight row from the ceiling, illuminating yellow light that shines upon. Beginning to ponder about my future, psychology at the home affairs is a total bore, i would rather be a roadsweeper instead, operating those big machines traveling at snailspeed along the highway, reduced to a crawl in comparison to speeding machines. I picture an ideal apartment with the one i cherish, clean and neat, just the two of us. We'll enjoy good food that we cook, have a wine cabinet and a rooftop with a sofa bed. Overlooking the city lights, all is modernistic and sleek-designed. I dreamt for a moment, and would love for it to stay that way. ;]

Luck, dearest. Perhaps sometimes these twists and turns of fate just need that bit of luck and open-mindness to counter. I'm crossing my fingers and toes, and pray that everything will start to go the way you want it to be!

-

I spoke to a genuine friend the other day, and it came to me then: Some ppl just takes and takes and takes, without giving in return. What these people care about all the time is how they feel, without a thought for others. They can go on ranting about things that may actually be mediocre and pale in comparison to what the listener is going through. Sometimes it is true, how you feel extremely ughhhh, and there's no way you could be sensitive to others because indeed, you are feeling worse than the other party. & then it came to me today, i could always be on the giving and i wouldn't mind, because i believe without giving, i won't be able to take away anything.

In the meantime, i make plans. Catching 2 plays on the last week of sch term :) Some little things i enjoy, because for once, your mind's attention is away from yourself but on the characters on stage. The focus shall be away from you and your seemingly endless worries and troubles.

-

Little wonders:D

I love indie, i love this place and its wooden tables and chairs. The thought of it tucked away in a tiny corner makes me happy. I can study there and people-watch and no one will notice you because we're all the same, looking for good food and enjoying laid-back moments.

Everything will end soon, godspeed. Let it be quick.

Seek out clarity.

2009-05-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

The days are counting down,
140 minutes more to protect and serve,
Momentary pride i felt today,
Became an anaethesia to a body, frail.

Criticisms and ignorance too great to bear,
I walk away to hide,
Music separates I from the outer world,
Alone, i am nothing,
Just a red-eyed weakling,
putting up a tough front.
No one notices.

Scribbly writings on the back of a paper,
Black paragraphs fill in like an army of ants,
More messy it is, the better,
No one reads.

When the battle's lost and won,
When the sandstorm's over,
The dust and grains of sand will settle,
& Clarity defines us for who we are.

-

I'll spend a million nights just like tonight
You know I screamed your name at the sky
until I lost my voice
I'd give my life for you
Just stay tonight, & make everything alright.

I'm fervently hoping for the day to come, where i can have brunch at P.S cafe on a saturday/sunday morning. Read my book, pen some prose or poetry about nature while enjoying the greatest company i could ever ask for. :]

Streetlight.

2009-04-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

Watching the sc&ct investiture today, brings back memories of house invest 08. When hannah passed me her badge and gave me a hug onstage, informal affair but it held such significance in me. I don't think i will ever forget this experience i've had, no matter how horrible disappointments and regrets are, or the happy silly times i've had with house commers. It's such a congregation of talented people, some very good with impromtu ideas, others good in organising and rallying ppl together while a few are very gd with IT skills. As we're reaching the end of our journey together as a 08 house comm, i've forge some good friendships & i've seen the true colours of others. Eugene has a knack for making me feel comfortable as a friend,with silly conversations and reciprocal of m&ms. :]

Hoho, my long lost dad, reinstated her status as a friend. A random postcard along the corridor on a random day makes my day slightly more manageable. hope her thyroid wont give her problems anymore, and may i find the day where i can sit down properly and have a meal together.

Regi, a random msg telling me she'll support us at soccer finals, along with debbie! The comfort of knowing that friends are still watching my back brings about momentary joy and relief, like a part of me is regained. Times i enjoyed trng, laughed like i meant it, jumped in the air as the ball brushed past my fingertips. Self-proclaimed, world's best three defenders. :]

The other day, i actually teared as i read aly's first letter to me coming LA. Simple letter, all scribbly handwritings, yet so familiar. & i teared, because it's a sense of longing that overwhelms me. As much as they are a part of me, i cherish all the friends and loved ones i have right now. Love is all i can give and that's what keeps me holding on. As i struggle to stay in touch with old friends, i treasure whom i have right now. We live for the present, ready for the future while the past lingers on. Familiarity provides a comfort that is greater than anything else, be it great and simple company or a particular place is quiet and conducive. We all need something or someone to look forward to each day to keep us going. ;D

I was born to tell you i love you.

Your heart is all i ever want to know,
I'd go anywhere you want to go.
You're shining bright,
You're my streetlight.

p.s Congratulations jx for getting your driver's license, like finally! :D i demand that you bring me out for a spin if mel and i get there eventually. i'm so glad for you! haha.

Finsh what i started with.

2009-04-24T08:46:00.001-07:00

All i ever needed was to hold on for another day, thinking it will be a better one tmr. I realise, i feel lost without certain routines, withoout certain material possessions like my phone with all my contacts and pictures and msges. A pair of spectacles worn while it's broken. It's already broken, but i can't fix it. All the familiarity, lost. What's more, all the things i enjoyed doing like catching a theatre play, exploring new places and spontaneous escapades, are now bounded by tests and trials to make me stronger. I envisioned myself falling, tried to get up and i fall again. My legs cannot support the weight anymore, i am handicapped.

& then, at the back of my mind, i remember the peace and calmness surrounding a round metallic table. Situated in a corner, sticking out along the wall in an awkward manner. I fell asleep, knowing i am safe. Wild imaginations, imagine if we sat absolutely still, maybe time will pass us and we'll disappear and blend into the backdrop. Bubbles of fantasy always easily pricked by the slightest interruptions and trials we face, but it is okay. We'll get by, it's our hearts that really matter in the end. :)

Twists and turns of fate.

Counting Down the Days...

2009-04-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Stumbled across an old picture...

Have A Nice Day. :>

Pictures made out of fries, m&ms, straws, paper napkins brings back fond memories. Simple things in life that make or break you. Happy gestures like receiving assistance from a stranger warms my heart instantly despite how tiny the action is, like helping me carry stuff when i was having difficulties. A tiny action and a smile makes me feel as though there are still kind souls that are willing to help when you're down and out. Simple gestures like offering a side of a ear piece to me today, letting me into her type of songs. Promises of coming down to support, albeit alone and sticking through to the end, brings a smile to my face too. Having someone to constantly stay in touch with, also brings us to a diff level of intimacy. Saving each other when all seems bleak. All these little wonders, brings me through each day.

Simple actions also break my day. Words and action don't tally. I frown upon insensitivity yet i may have committed such identical sin. Routines of lessons, remedial, trng evokes feelings of dread every single day that i live for. Neglience was never intended but it is out of my control now.

Sounds of a rumbling thunder
Like that of a sleeping giant's belly
Across the fields they slumber
Fearing for their lives, legs jelly.
-
The world is spnning like a satellite
My thoughts are running with the speed of light
The air is hounding for us to sleep
And this dizzy madness brings me to a fit.
-

As i'm typing this, a shard of glass and roof of cement separates me from the natural elements. Outside, roaring winds and turbulent rain threatened to create a din signaling the end of the world, like my father mentioned. However, it all ends soon. All is calm, all is dark again. I have my ear piece plugged in and familiarity of the music plays on my playlist. I shall go sleep soon.

So long&goodnight all.

Everyday, i love you (deeper).

Never say never.

2009-04-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

Soothing music, provocative book, great company.

Vicious cycle begins,
with a student seated in a class,
wondering what is going on.
All is a blur,
self-consumed by a book,
and a blueblack pen scribbles on a notebook.

As a task is half but completed,
all responsibility thrown to the winds.
A failure yet again, set to disappoint.
Mouth kept shut,
a joker's mask for a face.

I wanted to escape,
but sm holds me on to stay.
With a great company at the side,
I felt at peace,
even momentarily, it would suffice.

Bells rings and signals for the end.
But it was never the end,
more to come and suffocate under the pile.
Frustrated, yet i succumbed to what's to come.

Long before i sat and calmed my frazzled nerves,
peace was disrupted with a flurry of acitivity.
lateness and slack was not to be tolerated.
So i dragged myself up again, ready to go.

Consumed within my own world,
Everything passes in a flash.
A lonely bus ride home,
set in a noisy atmosphere.

Everything is at peace again,
yet worry tugs at my heart.
Hoping everything will turn out fine.
Regret the words i didn't speak.

So long & goodnight all.
This is the diary of 14 April,
a day away from the 15th,
where the cycle begins and seemingly never ceases to end.

Lover & friends,
Hold on tight and never let go.
Freedom is near, & we will find ourselves again.

Esoteric prophecy.

2009-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

A stranger to this cyberspace right now, haven't blogged for ages. But here i am, on this dreary and lazy sunday allocating time-out for myself. Words and language have always been an outlet. Rants and Rambles, i wld always say. This provides a comfort to the world of dark clouds that looms overhead and the whirlpool of events that engulfs me, leaving nothing but a shadow of who i've been. On the outside, i am a contrast to who i am inside. However, i tell myself this which keeps me going despite all the SHIT that happens:

Optimism is the key. When all is down and out, look to the tiny little things that brings a smile across your face. Random surprises that are gifted with colours bring about joy to my previously grey and dark canvas before me.

Let's begin with the start of soccer season. Worst performance ever. I somewhat forsee a bad showing but it has got to be my worst. We won 8-0, deserving score because strikers did really well. Individually, everything was a blur. I wanted to win, i wanted to do well but my esteem got to me. I can't block out all that's happened previously. Just a display of a weakling, i broke down before that but no one noticed. All who had wished me luck or encouraged me came from the most unexpected ppl. I was really touched by the simple fact that they rmbed. Thank you mel, ra, cherlyn and louise, and Joansie. You have no idea how impt those sweet msges meant to me then. Epic disappointment came from those whom i thought i would have derived motivation yet, didn't happen in the end. It became a different ball game entirely.

On good friday :]

'I hereby solemly swear that i will be a good girl'

Every new discovery, every new chillout place that i discover makes my day, coupled with friends that never fail me in the simplest company. A place called Udders we discovered by chance. I left a footnote for you, my Daffodil. ;]

An envelope of happy sticks i recieved, Spells of nothing less than love i see. Promises of a never-ending journey together, our determination to push on shall not falter.

Never met anyone like you, Who can bring me to a record-breaking high, or low when you're not around. Like a poppy flower, you're my sole addiction.

An opium of the new kind, you occupy my thoughts and mind. All i can see and breathe, is you & i will never want to let go.

Imagine if i escaped this place, left behind all my family and friends, and all the things i thought i was important. I know everything is not smooth-sailing for everyone now, but to be honest, everyone has their own limits of immense pain felt. For some, it may be the scolding from whom you respected or held fear for. Others may be the nagging and uncooperative people at home. For me, i'm going through all of the above, plus stresses of having to perform well at a personal level for each and every single day, yet at the same time stay motivated to motivate others to push on as well. Stresses to perform, academically. I have never been compelled to attend remedials before, now it has become a must, 3 times a wk after sch. Otherwise, paranoia sets in and i tell myself i am not doing enough. Stresses to lead and serve, when i'm all alone in my cause. I have to set a good example for the young ones, finish what i set out to complete, despite all loss of respect from my committee of 6. A need to stay strong at home, 'cause everyone's been drained already. A problem that will forever persist, an unhappiness that will always dwells under the roof we three stay in. Can i even say 'we' anymore? It has become of more of an individualistic level. The day will come where we go our separate paths and start all over again. Stresses to balance it all out, I am indeed tired. Detest the fact that i am too intuitive. Although you say everything is ok, i know it's not ok. Although you say you don't know a thing, but you drop a hint, an indication that you know what's going on but you don't wish to tell me.

I overthink the process, i do. But i can't help it when i see some things that ppl don't usually see. Sometimes, when you think your life is bad enough, tell yourself not to be myopic and think for others. Life gets better that way. Even now, i am doubting if my life can get any worse than it already is but i divert my attention to others, who need me more than i do to myself. There can be no heal to the already broken and tangled up mess. Slowly but surely, things will get better. That is my prophecy, if you get me.

Mankind is deluded by shadows; Mankind is infatuated by shadows; and yet, what solace is there, otherwise?

Oaths, i take.

2009-03-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

[ HOUSE CAMP ]

Hotties&Sexies group; Icebreakers; Vibrating eyeballs; long tongues; wiggling ears; Gross factor; Raw full chicken captains ball; ISA match; 3-2; hideout @Neptune; Cluedo; Glow sticks; Grabbing of legs; Nervous laughter; Debrief at 1; Hard floor; Meal or No meal; Dozing at classroom; Food trip; Coming Soon; Bash night; Dim lights&loud music at lt ava; Home sweet Home.

[ VJSG CAMP '09 ]

Paranoia of not being late; Usual trng; Intimate moments with mini-anne; Rest; Afternoon trng; Tiny moment at home with M.; Early morning; 5.5km scam; Clash w/ TYH; NJC match; fart leg for 30mins; substitutes scam; better play thereafter; Met Ben/Shiyun in NJ's team; Jenna in VJ; Bolt of joy with familiarity; Lunch out; Rain rain; Afternoon trng; JTS; old routines; tiny escapades; soft music with familiarity laughter; Different emotions; Bathe and washup; Abuse of power for gen and i; Sleepover at gling's; Mattresses and blankets; long night; 545am; 30mins brisk walk; fear of the unknown; spiderwebb; supporting and clamouring over each other; Pain no longer felt; Gauntlet; Sudoku as ultimate disappointment; Wash up; Golden Pillow; Gregarious laughter; Jersey hand out; Wave of emotions; Confessions& stepping up; Wavering voice singing sch song; Silent walk out to recollect; Bag from house den& old memories; Lift home; Red eyed&abashed M; Dozed off.

Victorious & triumphed.
Journey is a winding road.
Singularity in purpose.
Goal in mind.

What a Day to be Alive.

2009-03-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

Rain Rain don't go away
The sun can come back another day.

Staring out the window
Rain falls like there's no tomorrow
Seeds of happiness i sow
But reap, not for my own.

It came to me then
That every prayer i depend
came to nought before me ;
Each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me.

Penned a poem on death
War as the greatest cause;
With a resounding melody from the line of tanks
Shreds of flesh fell from above
like blood red confetti falling from the sky.

----

Hours passed, the rain slows down to a trickle
Connectivity rings, it calls out
Our hand reaches out for the mobile
Only then, we are alive.

Only difference between you and i
Is choice.
For a day, i am dead
While all of you live as you do.

What a Day to Die Trying.

This is the end, where i begin.

Resurrection of Routines.

2009-03-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for so long.
I am lost in my train of thoughts.
It's been only a week, of hellish events.
I need to go get a life.

Everyone, meet Button. :]

____

I realise i hide, when i needed you most.

But not anymore.

Separate yourself from what compels.

2009-03-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

All around emotions fray,
All i wanted was simplicity to stay.
A case of insecurity,
Or an overdose of sensitivity?

I watched a cat by the sidewalk,
Staring at the roads.
Wondered what were its thoughts
Or an impulse to rush forward?

Consumed in my little bubble,
I started to fumble.
Unheard and unseen,
Till no one sees,
Except for one.

Your scent lingers on
Whatever that belongs to you;
It's on me, too.
Settled in a corner,
Ever contented and calm
All is at peace when you are around
Hands interwined,
and the weight of your body against me
Listen to a song that is flawless and obvious.
We're all in this together.

Failed expectations.

2009-02-27T06:10:00.001-08:00

So fucking screwed.

Spare the vulgarities, but that's what i feel now. All that i've worked so hard for to fufil my duties and make it good, at least for this start of the year has all come to nought. Perhaps i put too much blame on my shoulders, and it's too much to bear. I don't even want to start with the people 'cause it's too much to say. I'm tired of blaming and trying, it's evidently not working based on the end result. I do not need anyone telling me what i should do, 'cause i'm tired of pleasing everyone. I will only listen to one, one whom i trust on and depend on. & that one, whom i will do everything for, to please. :]

Reflect? I reflect all the time. There's no measurement for comparison. Different levels of responsibility, Different people to work with, Different emotions they bring. One good thing that came to me today was the number 37, my position for cross country in school today. Seniors were there briefly and feelings of nostalgia came to me all over again, so simplistic and joyous everything was when they were around. A role model to look up to. Hannah, my CAPTAIN in my heart forever, left an impact on me like no one has ever had before. Aq means so much to me, so so much, just that i feel so alone on my cause now.

Justification in my sole cause,
Can anyone tell me what it is?
Perfecting loneliness
was never an easy task,
But all you put on is an empty mask.
Only when you are all alone
then you can live, as it is a must.

-

Dear jx, come take my frightening jc life away from me, take it all away. The best part of the week, supposed to happen on friday, didn't happen in the end. I lived everything in a blur and i'm at a loss of what to do. It became complicated and tiresome. Good times happened, but the hard times etched more clearly.

Dear aly, i'm so sorry i havent got the chance to reply your letter. Don't think too much about my emo posts, & i wont get facebook anytime soon! too lazy, unless you set one up for me. hee.

I Spy With My Little Eye...

2009-02-21T07:58:00.000-08:00

A classroom with the spinning fan
A blank dark canvas within my mind
A number 71 painted on rough road tiles
A row of yellow jerseys running in line
A dancer with heart-felt contemporary moves
A formation on the white board
A ball rolling steadily past the white line
A crazy bitch with the commanding whistle

-

A throng of crowd at my fav place
A familiar face with her pink leopard stripes tote
A nostalgic figure with a brilliant smile
A setting sun and dark clouds overhead
A waterfront bay and ripples on the water
A set of notes all over my lap
A bulge on my shin
A comforting shadow beside me
An ice-cream parlour in subway

-

And the list goes on... So glad i met up with old friends, like the netties on friday night and debbie for today, also caught up with Chun through messaging, unexpected but always a joy. Laden with heavy workload and covered with injuries and bruises, we still urge each other on to survive. No one is worse off or better off than the other, we become equals. We share things we never dared to share with current friends. Friends that are sweet and nice, not naive and immature. Too intuitive about ppl around me, i can read some like an open book, expression clear on the faces to see. Perhaps i'm the same, i wouldn't know. The thing is, i am genuinely glad to be around those that i know truly care about me. Despite how tired and aching my body is, i'll still put on a comforting smile on my face, 'cause i know they'll be there.

Next week is hell, watch this:
mon-wed: House interviews ( I'm in the ad hoc )
tues-thurs: Track and field meet for VOG ( I'm in charge along with mr tan )
thurs: Phy and Chem SPA ( which i am determined not to screw up )
mon, wed, fri: Trng
fri: X-country ( Aquila identity and dress-up comp )
fri: Gig @zouk

Pictures of you
I spy with my little eye
A heart that feels
& never lies.
Tell me, will you be mine?

Picturesque

2009-02-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

"A picture held us captive. And we could not get outside it, for it lay in our language and language seemed to repeat it to us inexorably."

Happy belated birthday, Charmaine! :]

& Happy Valentine's Day all!

So many things to say, such a disoriented mind. I have plenty to tell but time does not allow. :[
In bits and pieces,

Starbucks@ fullerton/ Quiet P.S cafe set in a busy background/ chill out moments with ra/ fusion food/ Monstrous cakes/ Beep test/ 4x4.6km runs/ vday preparation/ read a book at coffee bean/ muffin with milk/ scribbles and rants on a paper napkin/ sandwiched bwteen my current read/ tuition that i manage to stay awake for/ overdued fees/ chocolates, sweets, cookies and balloons/ concert in the canteen/ chem remedial that i dozed off during/ og bbq/ cheer for my name/ long walk to BK/ Da jie da/ trudging home/ Letter from alyy!/ queensway secondary match/ strange girl shane "no.2"

I've been really touched by what i've received lately, feel so loved and unabandoned despite all the shit that everyone's been through. Surprisingly, my og mates made something very sweet for the ogls too, pictures and notes that are tied tgt and hung on the wall of my room right now. yay.

-

Happy box and cheesecake;

So unique and special to me,
it warms my heart & keeps me happy.
Seated by my bedside table,
it fits in perfectly.
I keep it close to me when i sleep,
'cause that's the only way i could be near you.

We're sleeping late by we're not lazy,
we're getting older but we're still crazy,
I'm so glad that i still have you to call mine.

-

Captured by a picture,
Enraptured by the view.
I fell in love again,
as i did with you.

Caffeine and Chocolates.

2009-02-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

Survived on extremity.
Watch me sleep, I fell semi-unconscious
Unwilling to face the end of the world
For it was never pleasant to begin with

Watch me work,
I'll scribble and write;
I'll run and pant thereafter;
Don't push me, don't go overboard.
You're a f. asshole.

And then, i retreat to my inner thoughts
No more self-pity for there are others
That feels worse than i
I'll speak the truth and only the truth

It's a fact that everyone gets pissed off
Even i, it leaves me breathless and aching
Heart screams of tiresome chores and duties
Some hears and some understands
Because it is what they feel deep down too.

Don't think of what's to gain
Because it reduces you to whom you detest.
No more self, i'll throw myself away to care for
You
For You are more important than i.

-

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks/
Then i'll follow you into the dark/

BANG BANG, ORIN SHOT YOU DOWN.

2009-02-07T20:22:00.001-08:00

Orientation's finally over! & orin's the winning og for this year. So proud of teddy for leading the winning og. I guess all the other ogs put in as much effort as well, by the second day, many people were going around with hoarse and sexy voices. This new batch of freshies are really enthusiastic and they love mass dance, like omgeeee.

Joke of the day:
Person A: You know, i heard rumors that vj is HAUNTED.
Person B: Huh, how come!
Person A: Cause they say the school SPIRIT is very STRONG!

:O

haha, that's smth very lame i picked up from orientation.

-

Orientation was more or less filled with very fun and self-high og mates/ no need for facilitation at all/ Early mornings at lt3/4, sleepy-eyed bus rides/ Dry games with plenty of cheering/ Tiring trngs with extra effort to stay alert/ Aching bodies/ Falling asleep in the house den with poddies plugged/ wet games with back splashers like Gen and poh/ Sucking up to gamemasters/ Cheering sessions that got the whole floor of the hall shaking/ Og dinner at thai pan/ Escapades from mass dances/ Unappetizing lunches/ Skipped og dinner for tuition damnloser/ Partaying and Yum-seing with bubbling coke and m&ms to stay highhh and happy/ Sea reagetta no, CARNIVAL/ Sunburnt and dried up skin/ Trng with disappointed finish/ long story and happy ending.

Another week with You
I wouldn't have spend it with anyone else
Daffodil of my meadows
someday we'll find our idllyic retreat.

Anxiety Kills.

2009-02-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

This entire week felt so long and eventful, i lost track of time.

I've retreated into the shelter and comfort of writing in my world, on my handy dandy notebook, smth that i've kept very close to my heart. & i will only show it to, but a few. Besides the usual schedule and notes and stuff, it contains the rawest and most truest of my thoughts at that point in time. Other than that, i've sought comfort in the physical form of a simple hug, during the most unrealistic form of escapism ( skipping lessons when i'm not supposed to). & im back to my old habit of distracting myself from the ache in my heart. Sitting in the back row of chem prac lesson, in a corner of my own, a clandestine affair.

Here's what i wrote during the lesson:
Panic attacks grips you by the moment. It comes and goes unnoticed by the ones on the outside; experienced only by an individual. Some shout it out, screams & yelps of panic. Others suffer on their own, they are silent and feels the worst on the inside. Arteries and veins are the giver of life, but alas! Panic strikes, and you'll feel it most. The constrict your heart to the point of suffocation. It begins with the rigorous thumping, the rate of your heartbeat increases. Then, comes the heartache, filled with loneliness and negativity. You want to cry but no tears fall. Perhaps it'll be better to wail it aloud, but no, you're bounded by emotions so overwhelming, it kills you slowly. There is no antidote, it chews slowly on your soul like you can literally feel the grinding of its malicious teeth, bent on baring its menacing side. There you are, left alone with an empty shell on the outside. Until someone special comes along and snaps you out of your surrealism; bring a genuine smile to your face; & makes the heartache go away.

Orientation is coming up this week for the new freshmen! I'm somewhat excited to meet this new batch, yet dreading the schedule and weekly routines of trng, tuition and friendly matches. The weekend is ending, and i dont want it to go away. No matter how tough my routine is, i believe there'll be others out there just like me.

Ra, hold on strong okay. Will keep on thinking about you and remembering your perseverance to keep on going. While i'm running on my soccer pitch, i will think about your weekly mileage of 35km. While i'm strugging to do my tutorials and revision, i will think about you and your H3 economics. P.S cafe soon, yes. :]

Side-note: Post-its are tools for happiness. :]

2009-01-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIAXING !!! :]

hey pal/bro, thank you for all the ranting moments over the phone and pouring out our woes. I was really upset that we couldn't be there this year to celebrate your 18th birthday. You're one-of-a-kind, my friend. Don't be sad okaaaay, even though people may think you're 21 already. haha. Here's a toast to you, and more exciting moments to come! i'll keep you in my thoughts, forever and a day. :]

Old photographs, pretty unglam but nevermind;

_____

We're walking side by side;

Pulsating with the stars and the sky. <3!

Back to square one.

2009-01-19T06:59:00.000-08:00

"One day, when you've broken your leg, don't crawl back to me. I don't want to take the trouble taking care of you."

I got home, first few sentences i heard through the muffled playing of my poddy. Words to that effect. It feels like back to square one all over again. All the hype about the new year, new resolutions have all gone down the drain. Do you know how it hurts? I know some probably have felt it, or had worse times. I just felt the need to rant this out, writing wld be too slow. Too many thoughts in my head. Everything i had got destroyed. All i think about now is, WHY am i doing what i'm doing? Both sides of my groin hurts like hell when i walk, my knee is bruising to a terribly ominous black colour, hurts when i run. Both ankles feel too weak to support my heavy build. My head hurts, my heart is heavy again. All i have are memories of how it hurts to stay home.

Today, i felt real good working with the bunch of funky, crazy people over lunch. It was light-hearted, simple, unsuperficial and productive in a sense. There was no serious discussion, only unintentional mocking about bananas and calories. I liked it, in comparison to others that i have to work with. I'm counting down the days, weeks, whatever.

Leaving. Leaving behind loved ones, those that grief even if they may not know you inside out. I've always pondered, how it's like leaving and hearing the cries of those that mattered. I have been one of those that grieved, i have shed my tears, i have been through it. It was never easy, all i can take from it to lighten the grief is that they have gone to a better place. Somewhere with nothing but love and happiness. So, fret not my friends, i pray for thee, that he has gone to a better place. Stay strong, for there are those that need you.

The Pact. Death surrounds me day in day out as i read about a novel about Chris Harte and Emily Gold. I empathise with them, though they may be surreal. It was such intense emotions that touched me to feel like them. I met up with someone that night, after a long while, i shared about what my views and what i have been going through. She said i sounded jaded and tired. Indeed, perhaps, i am. Irony of it all, we seem to have gone through a reversal of roles after a year of bare minimum contact. She asked if i was angry, why shld i? It's her own life, i play no part in it anymore. Somehow, i have grown out of my tiny comfort zone. Who's to blame? No one in particular, just that i simply can't forget how i was thrown into the fire and left to continue on our paths as separate souls.

Don't worry about a thing, i will be okay before long.

Dear jiaxing, hope you're doing great over at your side, and your application for your desired university will be successful. I'll call you up soon, or you can do the same to me. Chinese New Year's coming up! ha, i rmbed we caught a movie together on the 2nd day of new year. ;)

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon/
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon/

Highest order of angels, you are so so special to me.

School's in.

2009-01-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

A horrible place where i am held captive.

Okay, first week of school was pretty alright. I have fufilled my new year resolution of squeezing time out for myself. The feelings of an overkill was so strong and obvious, like the sort that shouts it right in your face. So, it's gna be an elimination of things that i really dont wish to do, despite committments and obligations. I will make the final call. Effectively, my days got shorter as the week came to an end, i spent quality time with those that i really cherish, a good lead up to the weekends. :)

Highlights: Econs lesson that felt like lit/ Going home while the sun is still up/ Starting to watch The L word again/ No lessons on wed/ Adam Khoo workshop/ Writing in my notebook/ Movie screening at house den/ Changeling ;) /Wild buying spree at 7 elevens/ The Cavern/

To tell the truth, term 1 is going to be hell of a roller coaster ride. Many planning to do, i know im gna be looking more and more tired when it comes. The despair, disappointment and worry for some of my closest friends will continue. When term 1 ends, i want it to end on a good note. I have been writing a lot more. Writing in my tiny notebook. Be it fantasy, real life updates or random rants and doodles. I like it that way. So, this place will probably be much less frequented or updated. Nonetheless, i will try to make it a point. :)

Take me somewhere, Take me faraway/
Make me feel like i'm the reason for today/

Let's escape.

Gooday mate, 2009 :D

2009-01-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

Plenty of hellos and goodbyes this entire year. 2009 came unknowingly this year and there're too much to say, too little time. Some apologies and thank yous have to be made, nevertheless.

List of special people who made an impact on me:
(In no order, mere random)

1. vjsg seniors ; Kuan ren/Karen, Nat, Xiang/Mentor, Bob, Lo, Lele, Azlin, Peiqi/Freckles, Potz. Thank you so much for all your guidance, care and concern. Words cannot express how touched i was while i was reading all your letters after teamnight, it reminds me of how much we've been through together and everyone of you is such as insipration to me.

2. Coach Az, Thank you for having that belief in me and pushing us so hard. I have been the fittest in my entire life now, under your training. You are a role model and we look up to you to bring us there.

3. VJSG 0809, A very special bunch of people who have come from different walks of life and which i have learnt to work with. Too much to say to all of you, you'll will see soon, from a special letter from me to you soon.

4. St. Nicks Playing Cards Clique; Cong, Limzhen, Yanzhen, Amimy, Debbie tan, Alyy, Hilda. Thanks for all the fun times playing bridge, tai ti, red/green/brown tic-a-tac, camwhoring sessions, sleepovers, bbq and doing silly things. At the same time, sorry for not turning up for most of the outings and as the year goes on, less and less meet ups and sleepovers due to other committments, i will always keep you all in mind.

5. DEHZYY; Debbie, Estee, Hilda, Ziqin, Yiling. It is a regret that we hardly catch up although we have managed well for the 4 years despite being separated into a variety of classes after sec1. haha, but a big thank you for the christmas cards! We will try harder this year.

6. 0809 HOUSE, Although we may not have been the closest of friends, and i've been always accused of pungseh-ing you all, thank you for all the crazy fun times. Like sakae buffet and all the organising of house activites, you have been such a joy to hang around. Never awkward around aaron, eugene and teddy, i will try my best not to ps yall, really!

7. NETTIES; Jenna, Mel, Ally, JX, Debbie, Regi, Jasmine, Sara. Thank you for all the monthly catch-up sessions. It did work for the first few months! haha, always a thrill to be around. Thanks for all the new year wishes and christmas cards. like what ally said, no matter on which part of the world you are, you will always be remembered. All of you are such a dear to me.

8. 08S44, Thank you for being part of my vj life. The first bunch of friends that i would paobably have early this year. All of you have been extremely supportive and i needed that. Thanks to Chin yuan and irving, happy new year to you too! here's wishing all of you a great 2009 and less being late for lessons, ponning lectures and poking fun of kwok. : P

9. Jiaxing, Hey pal, Distance can never separate true friends. I have new updates for you, will try to call soon. Thanks for your card and picture of you when you were young! i hope u'll receive mine soon. :D & once again, i miss you terribly. Stay safe and have a great year ahead !

10. Sara, Happy New Year to you! I know you're not sm to take the initiative to keep up with old friends, so i rlly appreciate it when you ask me out. Liquid kitchen soon, yes? Have a good year ahead. I'm sure you'll achieve great things in cross country.

11. Mel, Thank you for your random msges telling me how much you miss me and i feel the same way too, twin! You're too sweet, dont overstretch youself planning all the OCIPS and everything. I'm happy for you that you're so close-knitted with your class. To more beautiful moments to come.

12. Gen, I'm really fortunate to have known you better as the year goes on by. We face the same situations most of the time, to more soccer and house events, we will stay strong and get through everything. At the end of it all, we can sit back, relax and smile upon happy memories. Thank you for giving me a chance to get closer to you. Love you for who you are! :D

13. Aline, You've been one of my closest buddy this year and i rlly appreciate you for always been there when i feel like rawrring like a lion. In this new year, i promise myself and to you that i will keep an open mind and emotions in check. I will be there for you when you feel angsty. Stay strong for me, you're the best!

14. Tano, thank you for sticking it out with me throughout the PAE, horrible decision-making period and right now, keeping it strong for team VJSG. Have confidence in yourself and stay brave, you'll survive mr lim's trng eventually! We're all in this together. :D

15. Leonie, you probably wont see this, but i am still thankful for the fact that you were once part of me. I am sorry i wasn't there for you as the year got by due to other committments. Pls take care of yourself 'cause i can't be there for you all the time anymore. Cheer up okay. & i know all i can manage is a com'on but you know what i mean, hope 2009 will be better. Dont be so pessimistic.

Alright, that's all i can manage for now. Sorry if i have left anyone out. In this coming year, i promise to be less possessive and more sensitive. Will keep my new year resolutions a hush hush, less probe more privacy pls.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FELLOW COMRADES !

What a night.
you & i, collide.

2008-12-28T05:28:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALYY! CHEERS! :D

Best bunch of ppl that i could ever ask for, having dinner at the same table. :)

Limzhen & i, she's ever so tall and elegant. :P

The zhens- Yanzhen and Limzhen :D

W/ the beautiful balloons at the entrance of the room.

Sel, Hilda & i! They're still the same, easily excited and all. :P

Cong the flower girl! lol. :P

Masquerade party time!

Guess who and who? :D Pretence underneath it all.

Yay, that was about the highlight of boxing day. Finally it's over but i had a great time, right from rushing down from school and changing into the formal attire, dumping my unglam backpack and shoe bag, laughing at yanzhen wipe off her lipstick cos "sports people like us cannot take such fanciful dressing" quoted from yanzhen and i totally agree. :P headed down to the reception counter thereafter where cong and debbie were busy attending to all the guest. i was happy to know that i was sitting at table 2 w/ them and alyy's sis & boyfriend. Her downtown boy also joined us, there was anth table with the 4justice ppl too. haha. It's was a night of embarrassment, dance, songs, games and even the so called "jarkata idol" was present. haha, Her sis's boyfriend sang 2 songs for alyy and somehow we, as her friends got dragged into it, dancing around the room like clowns. Good food, from appetizers, main courses, desserts and ice-cream, i couldn't resist. :D The dance floor turned into a clubbing arena towards the end, great music and plenty of fun. :D It was a pity i couldnt stay for a sleepover, how often in my short and humble life, will i ever get a chance to stay at the grand hyatts every again?? hurr, it's alright, sacrifices for a greater cause. :D

Have yourself a merry little christmas! LOVE!

The best of me was you, too.

Words unspoken

2008-12-21T08:04:00.001-08:00

Life goes on without Facebook :D

HA.

To the lovelies that always make me smile in the most retarded way possible :D

( Pity yanzhen wasn't there)

Xmas tree @ Vivo !

Debbie & I w/ weird hairdo.

Alyy, the one who's turning 17 in a couple of days :D

Silly Amy who's gna miss alyy's bday celebration.

Limzhen w/ pretty big eyes. :D

Hilda the turtle whom busies herself travelling ard the world.

Cong who always treats me as a good friend. :D

Yes, one of those days where you catch up with old friends. Although i was late for 2 hours ( ahems!) , but better late than never right? I'm glad i went in the end. haha, reminds me of simple joy and happiness. Despite the fact that i had to leave early, i felt closer to them all over again. & there's alyy's birthday celebration this fri, i dont know what to wear. urghh, dress code-formal. :O i'll manage, somehow. haha, busy week all over again. It's the xmas season and i don't know how to celebrate! I'll figure smth out when the day comes. No more routines and schedules for me please. Too stifling and uninteresting. :)

When the world's crashing in/

& the roof starts to spin/

Just close your eyes/

& breathe again.

MIND OVER HEART.

2008-12-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

hey all ! Been a week since i've been back from hk! & fate is not kind to me, AT ALL. The first day i landed, didn't think much was gna happen to my life, perhaps the usual trng sessions and all. I was determined to settle down and study, like a closet mugger does. but NO, it's not gna happen to me that easily anymore, i will have to be an organised freak and squeeze out whatever time i have to focus and cherish my time. Life's been hard, my heart is heavy, plenty has happened and it's been a dash to the finishing line all over again. Time to lift that heavy weight and look to the future, do what is best and where my responsibility take me.

Here's my schedule for the past week & the week to come:
Last tues: Doc's appointment abt my elbow :/
Last wed: Double trng session which ended on a bad note :(
Last thurs: Quiet time alone & starbucks coffee with gen and friends ! :)
Last fri: Trng and skit rehearsal :D
Last sat: Trng & bday celebration for min min and sher. Followed by hell of a night out leaving me EXHAUSTED chasing 2 gal pals at 1am in the morn.
Last sun: Standard chartered marathon, wasting our bodies away giving out postcards and clappers. Supposed to have class outing, but im so sorry 44, i totally died when i got home. :P

MON/ today: Rest day, was so freaking tired out or perhaps my body just refused to face the world, i slept for 15 hours from the last evening before. Spent quality time w/ mum and got out to PS to meet fellow awesome ppl and do what we have to.
Tues: Game against the aussie. Im crossing my fingers and hope it'll be good. Supporting from the sidelines, i have so much faith in the rest now that they will run their guts out for the rest infront, behind and alongside them. It wld be interesting to watch the new sec4s play too. :)
Wed: Double trng
Thurs: Time spent at the library perhaps? & tuition at yong's.
Fri: Trng, followed by skit rehearsal & band concert ! :D
Sat: Trng, Xmas lunch at Ally's, 5G event aka bbq & hopefully, time with Ally that night :)

Sat is gna be hell of a day but im sure im gna survive through it all. Can't afford to screw things up anymore. At least i know i'll have great company over the few days. :) I need happiness boosters, tell me i'll get through it all.

Don't think of the things you have to do, JUST DO IT!
-hanner :)

Signing off,
Bing loves you, you and YOU !

Break of Dawn

2008-11-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

Goodbye all, i'll be going missing this week.
Going to meet the hongkees.
I'll brace myself for what's to come,
& become stronger for every single one of you.

Take my lead, and we'll show what we're capable of.
I am legend, no more.
WE ARE LEGEND.

Women of Steel.

2008-11-22T07:17:00.000-08:00

Aloha. :)

okay, this is a pretty random post for today, some thoughts that i had after the game. But i was in too much pain from the cramps to talk then. Spare the criticism, blaming and self-reproach. I just wna tell all vjsg soccerooos, Don't bring yourself on your own guilt trip all the time. Although it's really difficult cos it's been ingrained in us alr, always manage a positive approach. :D After every game that i play, the past few being absolutely disastrous, i always come off feeling relieved. why- i know i did my best, i reflect on what i've done wrong and i try to see how i can improve. It's hard to do everything on your own, so i really hope every single one of us can tug tug each other along. On my way to tuition today, i was thinking back on how far we've come ! From the beginning where we didn't know how to kick properly, and now we've tried to focus on patterns of play. There's still so much to learn, so far to go. We need optimistic encouragement, and we need everyone else. Soccer is not an individual game, we are a team.

At the beginning, i always felt utterly awful after a bad trng. Somehow it drives up so much negative emotions in me that i dont know what to think anymore, i feel so tired and angsty. At times, sock will send sweet msges to tell me that i've done well and it really makes my day. :) During gym, Lisa encourages me in her sweet high-pitched," Go Bing! " as im gritting my teeth lifting the weights & it makes everything so much better. Gling held captaincy today, and i could tell that she feels for the team and she tries her best to lead us in the most encouraging way possible. Lisa, Have more confidence! & be more flexible, don't just cheeeeeong down the line. :) Ame & Aline, decide quicker on what you wna do with the ball once you receive a pass. For others, maybe we can give each other more support and advice on what to do better.

You'll never know what words can do. The power of it all. When i tell you you're FAST, you're STRONG, you'll believe in it, cos i believe in you too. It has worked on sock and ame before. ;) Okay, the hongkong trip is coming soon, i hope we can bring up a better performance once we're recharged and rested. Stay relax everyone. We're good alright, we're good. :D Let the hk trip be smth enjoyable and brings back only good memories.

Rmb, it's the not the opponents who matter, but what makes us vjsg. Cheers !

Rum with Lime.

2008-11-16T07:24:00.000-08:00

Weekly post again !

Life is a bore as hell with the usual heart pumping moments. Soccer's taking over my life, im disinterested in ogl stuff, leadership workshop was nothing compared to adam khoo. Perhaps one of highlights was playing against the rafflesians on sat, with the captains armband and L watching the match. Never have i felt so much pressure to do well and commit fully. I believe i spent most of the energy shouting instead. I tried my best to take the team to a greater level, kuan ren was my motivation, still is. & that's the only thing that keeps me gg.

You see, vjsg means so much to us that it injures us in ways unimaginable. I rmb a day when it was raining heavily and the song "Before the Worst" was playing repeatedly on my poddy.

Beautiful song set on a depressing day,
I was lying on my head,
sitting at the table,
Defeated like a clueless child.

Ramblings and Rantings,
Drawings and Doodles,
Angst fills my heart,
& i close my eyes
'cause that's the only i could be near you.

Bing.
Tonight, i just wna be me.

Wake up, goddammit!

2008-10-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'll tell it to the hot, I'll tell it to the cold.

I'll tell it to the young, I'll tell it to the old.

I don't want no laughin', I don't want no cryin',

and most of all, no signifyin'.

-Petey Greene

Shane/ Jesse(?)

#25 :D

Fools in Love.

2008-10-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

You ain't replying my msges again.
& i don't know what to think anymore.
Never knew i had to take up so much courage.
Wished i could see you,
but i didn't want it to end in a duel.

When i'm alone i think of you.
You, have 3 different images,
in my confused head.
Confined, Restrained, Fooled.
I know it's not the right thing to do.

Don't tell me what to do anymore.
Deadlines, Timelines, Obligations.
Cut me some slack.
My heart pumps with vigor,
My head wants to explode.
& you're not making things better.

Please, talk to me.
In desperation, i googled your name.
& i witness your happy face.
You're so much better now.

Look how you've grown.
You don't even remember me now.
That's why words are spilling over,
Here.
'Cause you'll never fear
what you don't know.

Shane/
Every little thing reminds me of you.

Name Your Purpose.

2008-10-21T07:50:00.001-07:00

This blickering whisp of whorling winds,
My collasped chest fights this bitter gin.
I lean against this street sign and im chasing
This path you take. I want, i am needing
Your solace. Breathe this speckled air
of tangles with the connections that tare.

My friend, you have this old familiar face
That punches me with nostalgia.
I beg you to stop and cut this lingering taste.
The monotonous clock ticks my dream to insomnia.
I wear this angel crown to fight my devils.
Bodies mosh, I am tossed in this whirlpool as truth prevails.

With midnight giggles and a blank check in pussyland.
You had your fate sought with a blind kiss.
We would all, in the end, be reduced to what we came from-
Sand.
Stop your trembling, stop your dismal whisps.
You were my memory, you are my old familiar face.

20th oct 2008
Copyrighted by Genevieve. :)

Obviously, it can't be written by me. Have i mentioned, i've always taken a fancy towards people with great lingustic ability. Thank you gen, for penning this poem. haha, i loved it, though it may not mean much.

Shane.

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide
it's time to love again
Before too late, Before too long
Let's try to take it back before it all went wrong.

Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world.

2008-10-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

When your heart is heavy, i'll lift it for you.

All around me, i witness the breakdown of the mind and emotions spillover. All these while, i try to convince everyone that things will turn out right. Initially i was so confident, so full of hope but now i'm doubting my ability again. I turn to sappy love songs, wallow in self pity alone or head to the other extreme, push yourself to the limit and run it all off. Let's make the great escape.

---------------

True happiness. The other day someone was telling me she hasn't felt really happy for period of time now. Don't worry pudds, we'll all find it someday, just a matter of time. Then, someone special named gnixaij came along and made me realised smth, it's not that my life's been terribly miserable, it's just the longing for the same familiar feeling of happiness. A new revelation takes me by surprise and the truth of it all. It's like coming full circle to that same old habit of not letting go, some things we wonder if we can ever let go and joke about it like it doesn't matter much. Vicious. I long to be like we used to be.

----------------

I've been thinking alot lately, observing people around me, the things that happen. I try to predict what others think they throw their glance this way and that. Even simple activities, the 4 times a week routine, i see the way we all interact with my heart, not my eyes. Yo mama gen, i feel the same way you do. Don't give up. I love the way you make me laugh genuinely with all the muahahah; true meaning of BFF; tour around haji lane; Food for thought; Old-fashioned red velvet cake. :)

----------------

Novelist. I've taken a fancy towards penning down my thoughts. Perform an autopsy of the major powerhouse where all the thoughts come from. I knew of someone who told me her dream of writing a novel, it was a novel about us. Suddenly, i am inspired to start a novel on my own. Write about something close to my heart. Maybe it'll be on a bus ride, me and my buddy facing the world. A love lullaby playing as i watched the rain outside the window, painting an abstract art with the transparent drops. Melancholy. ;)

----------------

To all my lovelies out there facing breaking point, just hold on and let your friends tug tug you along. Pei, regi, mel, ra, debb, jen, ally & xing, you're the best team mates i can ever ask for ! Although we're spread out all over, feel the love and hold on to what you believe in. We'll be around to tug tug each other along.

----------------

One of the longest post i've had. Nonsensical ramblings perhaps. After tonight, it is back to the array of list of things-to-do. Ogl interviews, ogl camps, team management workshop, OP presentations, 25th anniversary planning AND team night.

Even in death, may you be triumphant !

>>Shane
Sometimes tears say all there is to say/
Sometime your first scars dont ever fade, away/

The Benjy Davis project

2008-10-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

i love you deeper than i can swim
feel my lungs caving in
nobody's saving me now

i love you stonger than i can hold
worth more than dying for
nobody's saving me now

You're so much better than i deserve.

Shane.
"He who eats after he is full, is digging his own grave."

Class Outing !

2008-10-18T08:15:00.001-07:00

Okay, i know it's a little late, but better late than never right ? : D

i look super burnt here, w/ debbie the best fire starter & alyy, still stuck in her choir cca. :P

Da Cong & me, looking chopped off.

Amy, dripping wet at the bbq.

Yanzhen, the pro table tennis player & typical complainer of Pee-double-ewww.

Lim Zhen from sajc, but we share a harmonious relationship. :)

Sel, & her hush hush moments with JOHN. ;)

-Shane

2008-10-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 17th BIRTHAY LP ! :D
Though i can't be there to give you a heartfelt hug first thing in the morning, i know you'll have the company of your many other friends. Knowing that you are so much happier, and comfortable where you are now, I'm really glad for you. cheers ! ilu !

welll helllllo ! I guess i better blog soon lest ppl start wondering where i've disappeared to and start reading my friend's blog to check out how i've been. Ahem , xing. haha. The past week was really UGHHHH. full stop. Sportsman night, Farewell Assembly and Open House. Plenty of conflicting interests and i came off with a wounded ego and great disppointment. Record breaking times of me breaking down in school over a span of 3 days, only before someone. I may look tough but that's what i have to do. Maybe i take on too much responsibility, more than what is necessary but im just such a woodblock, unable to find alternatives. I realise i do care about what others say about me. Everyone gets tired and cranky, i totally understand. I walk away, feeling like my entire chest is gna explode but i keep it controlled. Im not sure if this is healthy, but eventually, i'll find my selective targets to rant to. Form of release i guess. And im starting to like the idea of escapism. :)

Open house was pretty awesome, though not many people came. It was just plain fun to walk around school all day, i said my MOST number of hellos in a day, trying to be friendly and showing my "DING" Megawatt smile. :DDDD When i got home, i was totally sunburnt. It was a day of soccer fun and interacting with juniors like Sharrie ! haha, debbie and yiling came to vj too, with yiling DARINGLY wearing her hc shirt. Old friends. :D

Though it was tiring, but i found a way to relieve all the tension in my body. Rather healthy way i guess, and that is through sports. Soccer, swimming, jogging. Though the body says im tired, just push it to the limit. In the end, i get so tired, i can't rmb what are my worries. hehs. This is a pretty emo nemo blog post, partly cause promos results are BACK to haunt me. Shane, shalt not succumb to the raised hopes and failed expectations. Sciences, i hate you, but i'm gna hit the books soon.

If one day you wake up/
and find that you're missing me/
and your heart starts to wonder/
where on this earth i could be/

Shane.
#25

Waking up to the start at the end of the world

2008-09-28T09:32:00.000-07:00

OH MY ! Being Spontaneous is the New Black.

Sentosa outing / sleepover at Tano's :D

Random pic on the train home. :D

Tano / Aline / Bing :D

haha, just decided to post random pictures of whatever's in my phone. The three of us have gone through many DMFS moments and gone through crap in our PAE period. Sentosa outing was really really enjoyable with A____, Tano, Gen mama & evilll ! We tried sooo hard trying to find a spot with a lot of sand, a lot of water and a lot of coconut trees, at the palawan BEACH. We escaped from the green sea veggie monster, tried desperately to dive for the volleyball, dugged out a mini water pool, sculptured ... on me with the sand, braved through many many cuts on the fingers just to open a bottle of liquor, chilled out on a mat listening to moosic and watching the sunset. Gen turned totally crabb-ish, cos she was really sunburnt and uncannily similar to the red colour of a boiled crab. :P I made my debut in swimming in the sea and not drown, kudos to me. Also bathed in the open shower which was quite an experience too. :) Spontaneous sleepover at Tano's, evil dropped by with Dumbo and Music & Lyrics. haha, organised sleeping order doesnt helppp, tano :D i sincerely apologise for my The Rock alarm but there was no need to choke slam aline for that. oh my, oh my ! XD

F1 Scene in Singappore : O

Library date scene :)

Pictures mean a thousand words. :D Despite all the DMFS moments, we pulled through it all. Thank youuuu, study bud ! love !

The horrible thing called promos is finally OVER ! To all those who has finished the torture, pop the champagne and drink to your hearts' content. Celebrate like you've never done before. Those still facing the horror this coming week, like mel mel, GOOD LUCK & ALL THE BEST ! You're the world's greatest. :D

Shane
#25

Fortuna :D

2008-09-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Teachers day back at sn / Baybeats / Library studying with some surprises / Video-making :D

Was supposed to go for GLO for youth concert tonight but didn't manage to get anyone else to go w/ me. :( It's the promos bug getting to almost everyone i know. haha, i understand, i didnt really wna step out of the house either. oh wells. Studying is such a chore, but im trying to love it, i am, sock. haha.

Headed back to SN the other day with debbie, weiling and linwei in the same cab. Quite a strange combi but nevertheless, it was pretty exciting vying for a cab with the many others who were returning to their alma mater too. Im not sure if im biased or is there really a lot of red badgers that went back to sn. I caught people shooting me glances, wondering why am i here. Ah well, caught many people hanging around the family lounge, like the highlighter gang, char and her gf, Chun & her usual pretty face ( she seemed to have grown taller though :P ) I totally went crazy seeing Jun again, dearest lit class partner ! haha. Cong and gang w their usual card dealing. Of course the teachers were the limelight of the day, did many high-fives with Mrs Yeo, hugged Ms jacob and Zhang (gasp!) Cant help but feel guilty whenever they ask about school. Pretty awesome to see everyone again and how they have changed but as usual, one word of caution : Socializing takes A LOT out of you. hehs.

Do you believe in fate? I do. Fate is something unexpected. It gives you a pleasant surprise when you need it most. I guess thinking too much of someone does help in meeting that someone again. Fate is hard to tell. You wouldn't know when it'll hit you, where or even how. It tears people apart or it may bring them tgt back again. Will you accept fate as it is, or try to change it? For one i know, i am kept happy, by this little thing called fate.

P.S Good Luck with C. , gnixaij. Listen to your heart, or tarot cards. You'll never know what fate brings. haha. ;)

Shane
#25

At The Works

2008-08-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

What more can i ask for: Late night, beautiful sky, funky friends, good food, empty streets.

haha, I am a happy soul this weekend. Having endured final SS despite a bout of flu and climbed 3x 13 storeys, smth i never expected i'll do. Saturday was spent basically under the light drizzle of the rain all day, from early morning till night. I skipped tuition for the first time ( i think ) Totally unintentional, i swear it was the downpour in the afternoon and the bad traffic. Saturday night was hell lot of fun, kinda like a celebratory hang out after sooo long. I swear i am a night animal, i would spend every sat night like that if i could, having supper & doing silly things, walking on the empty streets or just simply listening to a band playing out love songs. haha. Upper thomson road and The Cathay brings back beautiful memories for me, and to revive them all in one day was totally worth it, despite sacrificing my beauty sleep and sporting a bad nose. I love spending late nights, even morning outside home. : D

The next day was equally enjoyable too. Dearest mel, my twin has made my day today. i can't bear to use the plasters ! But it will serve as a motivation for me, thanks for giving me a "tug tug" every now and then. I really needed that. : D

Never have i been more sure
So come up to me and close the door
Nobody's made me feel this way
You're everything i wanted and more.

shane
#25

Cynical & Jaded

2008-08-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

A rather early posting from me here tonight. The past week i've suffered from serious lack of sleep, so much so it ended on a REALLY bad note towards the end of it. I've never felt so jaded before but i guess there's always new emotions that jumps out from behind and catches me off-guard.

Another reason to top off this bad week could be because of my horrible left leg. All injuries seem to target my left leg for some strange reason. To look on the bright side, luckily that's not my dominant leg, if not i'll be playing worse than i already am. haha, first it was my hip. Thanks to sock's suggestion of doing lunges and stretching, it does relieve some of the pain. :) Next up was my ankle, felt like someone whacked it or a nerve near the ankle had been overstretched. Good thing is, it shows that the power drills has worked its magic. I felt like i could die when i got home after Wed. haha. Pain is good.

On a random note, WU gnixaij didn't call this week. Having too much fun travelling around New York City? Coincidentally, im plugged into my ipod and the song "New York City" is playing. haha. maybe i shall drop a phone call next week. HMM. Too much stuff to do, too little time.

Oh, have i mentioned, on sat after getting home from tuition, i went for a "NAP". Unintentionally, i fell into a deep sleep and never woke up until my body clock worked its magic and i find myself awake 9 hours later at 3am, contacts on, dressed in outside clothes anda growling stomach ( having skipped dinner) Best part, my mum didn't bother to wake me up AGAIN, though she knew i havent had dinner. HURRR.

Fatigue, it's getting to me. I gotta start hitting the books soon, i really hate them. But like what Charmaine said to me in class the other time, i gotta start making friends with my subjects then they'll start to like me and maybe they'll help me when the day comes that i desperately need them. ha. maybe that's the secret to scoring well. I'll try, i will. ;)

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart is heavy
I will lift it for you.

Shane
#25

MANNEQUIN

2008-08-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Once a week post, from bing. :D

HIGHLIGHTS of the week:
-Match against Under-16s :)
-Feeling Fab ;)
-"Connecting" back at St. Nicks, enjoying a simple yet delicious meal of Orange Bowl
-Studying at my favourite place of all time, but intruded by many others :(
-Managed to grab some quality music appreciation time by CatsintheCradle outside Indochine :D

This week has relatively been an enjoyable week for me. Thanks to certain delectable individuals that i've spent quality time with. You know who you are. ;) Someone mentioned before that you can feel alone despite being in a crowd, i can definitely say for sure it applies to me. That's why i prefer one-on-one outings. hehs. Just a random realisation that i do feel much more comfortable going out with anth single person rather than in a large group. Your voice is heard, that's what matters isn't it? You get to form part of the decisions made. Sometimes, just some lone times, where you form part of the minority, your wishes doesn't get adhere to and you live with it. Why? Because a human in itself forms a very small bundle. You try to please others but you end up not enjoying yourself. In times like these, i try to find reasons as to why decisions are made the way they are. The process is painful but eventually, when i find the answers, i am more at peace with myself.

Angst, perhaps this is what i'm feeling right now. Im not promoting anti-sociable feelings or "emo" thoughts, just feel like venting out what my thoughts are. Spill it out on this virtual canvas, that's what they say.

(p.s Blue's the fat colour? Nahhh, it stands for SIMPLY AWESOME-NESS :D )

i wanted to turn you on/
my favourite song/
but somebody owns you now/
i'll try to live somehow/

#Shane

2008-08-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, here i am again. Typing on this matt black keyboard of mine. Somehow i have a knack of staying up, burning the midnight oil on sundays. My bag is unpacked for SM (hush hush) tmr, file unchecked for lessons tmr and remedial worksheet left blank. BUT im trying. :)

Today, i have been distracted from my nerdy mood, because of someone who guessed the right one.
Today, i spent longer time thinking about other things, anything but studies, more about love and friendship and family.
Today, i witnessed how love is a funny and unexplainable thing.
Today, i realised how the more you try to supress an emotion or action, the more obvious it becomes.
Today, i saw how love can be lingering.
Today, i questioned the meaning of loving someone.

Today, i am reminded of why people say, love hurts.

Maybe that someone's me
Maybe it's meant to be lovers, strangers
Sometimes bombs fall quietly
Maybe it's just chemistry
Maybe it's hard to see that someone is the right one
I hope that someone is me

Shane
#25

You paint your reflection in my eyes.

2008-07-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

LOUD SHOUTOUT TO ALL !

( That made 25th & 26th july so memorable for me this year :D)

08S44 : Thanks for the expensive Chocz cake which came in good quality cardboard. & of course, for the "shit" that i can use to whack ppl when they are sleeping in lesson and embarrass them further. haha, louise is a bad liar who gave the whole thing away bright and early in the morning during econs lecture. :P & too eager to dunk me. For the entire day, Charmaine and Rachel were threatening to dunk me, which luckily they didn't. :D I was faced with the question, Koi pond or Fountain, choose ! i escaped, eventually. phew.

Aline and ame: Favourite food eating buddies ! :D haha, after school, i was kidnapped from my tidying up house store duties. who the hell does proper work on their birthday anyway? but i did help, okay ! :P hmm, so i was took on a tour on long bus rides, past paya lebar, toa payoh all the way to BUKIT TIMAH area. check out what we did to amuse ourselves on the bus ride with the aid of Gatsby at Aline's blog, i only manage to capture a pic:

Haha, anyway i was blindfolded and kept in the dark about our whereabouts. i swear it was freaky. :P but exciting nevertheless. We went to the largest Macdonald place and Island Creamery ! had lovely mudpie and teh tarik ice cream. Was really happy to be in the company of great buddies, you guys made my day ! :D

LP: Caught the much awaited Dark Knight with LP at night in town. suuuuper crowded place as usual but it was good to be back in the hussle and bussle of things again. The Dark Knight is an extremely fantastic show, EVERYONE GO CATCH IT ! That includes youuu, charmaine. haha! Fabulous plot, great casting especially for the Joker. LP influenced me to start thinking about literature agn, how much i have given up. The themes of morality, love and sacrifice, good and evil, black and white, struggle within self and justice. heath ledger played his role well, kudos to him. Anyway, thank youuu LP for the notebook. It is ironical yes. What more can i say. :)

VJSG: Mel is DA best buddy ! haha, she is our permanent baker for cookies, muffins, cheesecake and the latest, Chocolate Banana sponge cake for my birthday ! :DD anyway, as tradition went, i got dunked still. guess where, not koi pond nor fountain, instead into the sea with the salty water. haha. After that, went to sab's (daddy!) place to bathe, awesome facilities and swimming pool !

Cong, alyy, amy, limzhen, debbietan & yanzhen:

CONG and i !

At Sakae :D

Alyy and cong :)

Debbie, Yanzhen and i :)

Everyone ! : D

This is the frame that amy did for me ! :D haha, memories of me in long hair. OOHS. Big hug to youu, amimy for spending so much effort on it. i loved it ! Also i am currently the proud owner of a Nike red and white soccer ball. Thanks for sticking to my passion. so so thankful for everything !

Shane, signing off.

Summer Rain

2008-07-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

You're inches from my fingertips
I've come as close as I can get
I'm reaching but the rest is up to you...
Cause I don't ever wanna miss
Being here with you like this
I'm trying but it's all that I can do

pictures up soon, promise! :D

#25, shane

You look so kissable ;)

2008-07-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with xing, for a light hearted chat. i swear im not tired today, somehow the phone distorted my voice to sound like it. aaahs, i never wanted to look tired or sound tired. haha, was blog-hopping in the morning today and discovered shockingly, a disparity in the friends i met before and the friends i have now. haha, just a random reflection. perhaps it's me, perhaps it's the environment.

Went on a scout for tutors with a-line chan today, met gomez, ray(?) and CHOLE LIM. haha. Chole looks pretty much the same, hot chick probably as sm has described. : P But she was totally bored and uninterested in tuition, i could tell. haha.

Anth passing question in my mind, is it possible to order LARGE fries in macs and still UPSIZE it? haha! It's gna be tough to achieve, ain't it? I was treated like a kid in macs the other day, and i cannot take that lying down. perhaps i shall really try ordering one day, "Large fries, upsized please". Take that. :P

i liked it, the taste of her cherry chopsticks.

shane.
#25

LEAVING A FOOTNOTE...

2008-07-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

Experience is what you get, when you dont get what you want.

Been trying to juggle a lot of stuff lately, some things that weigh at the back of my mind but never will go away unless i face up to it. That shall wait. haha, nonsensical ramblings, yet again.

i look adrogenous (?), that's what gen's friend told her. haha, pretty flattering huh. :)

Gotta go do my EoM noww, yewww :(

Catch up soon, FRIENDS ! :D

Shane.
#25

2008-07-01T23:18:00.000-07:00

Rules of the Taggy Quiz:
A] People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B] Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
In the past, i would walk away and feel miserable. Now, i would prefer to know the reason behind everything. Not sure if i can manage that, but relationships and all, they are all illogical stuff, hard to explain.

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
i would like a penthouse and someone dear to share it with :D

#3. If you could be at one place right now, where would it be?
All the way at the other end of the world in Dallas with xing. :D

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
HMM, yes? i'm starting to find it hard to answer these questions on the screen before me. haha.

#5. What’s your ideal lover like?
Someone sweet, passionate and knows me well as much as i know them. it's not that hard to know me 'cause most ppl read me like a book, as easy as it seems.

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
I guess being loved by someone, loving someone can hurt sometimes.

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
As long as my patience last. For the record, im sm with quite a bit of patience, really.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I would not do anything, it may hurt but i dont want to complicate things.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Mid-years. -.-

#10. What do you want most in life?
Friends, love and family of course.

#11. Is being tagged fun?
if occasionally, yes. : )

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
Be thankful i made it through all these time.

#13. Who is the current most important person to you?
It's a hush-hush secret, but there are a few i must say. ppl that support me in what i do. :)

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Strong-willed, loving & charismatic.

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
SINGLE and rich please. i can't really imagine myself getting married. : P

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?
Really, you mean any animal? i would have to say, the TIGER. RAWRRR!

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do?
Wake up from a nightmare.

#18. What kind of person do you think you are?
Hopeless romantic.

#19. What do you define as a bad day?
When i feel the whole world is against me.

#20. If you have to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?
Friendship. With friends, comes love indeed. : D

okay, the people i tag are, Charmaine, Rachel, Aline, Benjamin, Zhengyi, Congyi, Alyy and whoever that wishes to do the quiz lah. :D

shane

#25

2008-07-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I am happy today because :
1. I bought new lime green ear piece :D
2. I learnt how to interpret messages differently, with a new perspective.
3. I have settled on a date for inter-house soccer.
4. I ate a subway sandwich and tried a new sauce.
5. I feel the ache in my legs and shoulders from the sprints, which makes me feel more alive and fit.

my ambition?
To find the joy in the simplest things.
Life sucks, but make the best out of it.
i get tired, but i pick myself up and go.

"Don't think about the things you have to do, start doing ! " -hannah : D

shane
#25

2008-06-29T00:54:00.000-07:00

"My face in thine eyes, thine in mine appears,

And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; "

-The good-morrow, John Donne.

Shane;

whatever tommorrow brings, i'll be there.

2008-06-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming/

Or the moment of truth in your lies/

When everything feels like the movies/

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive/

And i don't want the world to see me/

'Cause i don't think that they'd understand/

When everything's made to be broken/

I just want you to know who i am/

I experienced a whole new meaning to this song lately, thanks to someone. you know who you are. haha, sorry haven't been too attentive the day we met up. Just wna mention that i always learn smth new whenever i'm with you, it's interesting really. Somehow when we're back with friends we knew before, we became who we used to be and not the new, reformed self. It's an inert quality i guess. In any case, thank you, LP. haha, it soooo does not stand for Linkin Park! (inside joke :P ) You never fail to make me laugh.

FOOD TRIP

2008-06-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

RANDOM PIC IN THE BUS :D
NAT ( not shy :D) /Lisa simpson / Jie min Kuan ren / me (This pic is so gna destroy my image : P )
Joansie Poansie :) Just woke up xinyi and le le :)
Semi-artistic photo of xiang and i (mentor-mentee !)
Bus rides are for cam-whoring :P

Pic of nat and kr taken on the sly :PCrayon picture presentation !

Peiqi w/ yellow boots ; Xiang the nice-smelling one ; Le le the Queen ; Kuan ren Face of the Year ; Nut with stylo mylo hairstyle ; Bob with bobdog eyes ; lo lo who's smitten with Dan ; Azlin tearing 'cause she's "damn proud" of tixi

A-line and Gen : Creator of the crayon pic above ! :)

#VJSG' 0809 ;ONE TEAM

2008-06-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

NETBALLIES !

MEL / JENNA / PEI MEL & I !

Went back to SN on wed to collect my grad cert, with jen, pei and mel. : D Other pics of the dinner are quite comprehensively uploaded on jen's blog alr so having the lazy bug in me, i shall not upload those. hee. it's funny how ALL of us are in diff ccas now, anything but netball. Jenna's choir president (oooh!) , pei's in bowling, soring an average of 100 plus points now, mel's in volleyball, getting tanner and gaining more arm muscles, debbie's in canoeing, of comparable or even more tanned skin like mel, sara's in x-country, with a weekly mileage of 42km (gasp !) , ally's having her longggg summer break and is still an instructor with adam khoo, regi's in...oh no! i have no idea, the last time she told me she's interested in Wushu though. hehhes. jasmine and jolene are MIA-ing, as always. : p ANDDDD, im in soccer ! yay. haha, never looked back since.

To jx, imissyou too ! haha, your msges never fail to make me smile. You're too sweet for me to handle. : D

Well open up your mind and see like me/

Open up your plans and damn you're free/

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love/

Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me/

Ah, la peaceful melodys/

It's your God-forsaken right to be /

loved love loved love love

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

2008-06-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

Thou art tired.

Pictures up soon, sworn by thou heart.

No hope; No love; No glory; No happy ending

2008-06-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

ALOHA ! Anth week of hols is gone and im still as caught up with events here and there. Fruitful week yes, but tiring ! aaahs, i cant stand myself sometimes, never-ending complaints. hehhehs. Today hasn't been a good day at all, woke up at an unearthly hour JUST to do cip at East Coast Park, i swear it has become my third home or smth. Veejay's 2nd. :D haha, just like how alyy and her mum takes Paragon as their second most frequented place. So glad that youuuu, alyssa victoria adasmitha (cant rmb how to spell your surname :P) , dont have to leave for the states ! If not it'll be my 2nd heartbreak in this couple of months. In all, im just really happy you stayed! yay !

oh yeah, ECP held the saucony passion run today, the soccer girls went down to help give out 100 plus ! :D hmm, i swear i am grumpy in the morning, esp at 6am where im USUALLY still asleep. :P so pardon my black face or stoned look, soccer peeps. so sorry. haha. As dawn breaks and the day become brighter, we got BUSIER as well. we were opening cans of 100 plus like we were on auto mode, suffered horrible cuts and all. Luckily we had spoons to help us if not i seriously cant imagine how our fingers will turn out. oh well, so much for 12 hours worth of cip i guess. haha. FUN, FUN, FUN with the socceroos and Tano today. :DD

HMM, oh i had a sudden realisation today as well. Now i understand why Charmaine found it weird for me to call alyssa tan, zaaaa (?) haha, okay lah it wasn't a huge issue but i guess it's true 'cause i had the same feeling when Tano called Charmaine as Money today. haha, long story. No offence, but i think i shall stick to calling ppl by their full names for now. ay! :)

Check out my schedule for this week:

mon : studying with socceroos and house meeting : )

tues : studying @esplanade with C. and the study room at her place. Pretty emotional day, i rmb.

wed : CIP in school for the packaging (horrible!) i swear they were taking advantage of the fee labour. haha. i nearly went nutts over the mountains of bags piling all around me and nat disappearing behind it. :P it was that HIGHHHH, really.

Had OG dinner as well, left with only 1 ogl and 6 og mates. haha. Pretty relaxing night out with them.

AQUILA & DRACO CAPTAINS :D

Abel/ Althea/ Me/ Thong En

Apple and Strawberry strudel ! ( courtsey of mat)Sarah & Mat, ahems.

Althea and Yanni w/ HUGE mountain dog

thurs : Stay home thursday with Button. ;)

fri : Day out studying at starbucks with C. And "conveniently" caught Narnia with Charmaine and Chin yuan. haha. i told my mum that i was out to study, which was true, but i skipped the part about a movie too. :P haha.

sat : soccer dsa trials & cong's birthday celebration! haha, not really a celebration lah, i konked out on the sofa while the rest watched Meet the Robinsons, only to wake up with an aching neck. hehhes.

I am sure there are others out there with a more hectic schedule but THIS -points above- is really hell lot of things to do. 2 weeks left to mid-years. GOSHH, haven't had mid-years for god knows how long alr. Somebody save me...

That's all, folks ! So long & goodnight.

Tried to take a picture of love/
Didn't think i'll miss her that much/
I wna fill this new frame
But it's empty /

love hurts

2008-06-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is to love and be loved in return.
-Natalie Cole

WHO I AM MAKES A DIFFERENCE

2008-05-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

BACK from clic.

Clic was absolutely wonderful. Blue's Clues rock to the MAX, though we weren't the very best at games and all, especially mental ones. BUT physical and moving games are our forte, like totally! we didnt care about the point system and mainly had fun tgt as a grp, that's what matters ! kudos to Elaine, my bunkmate aka the Whacker, & Jie min, bunkmate cum soccer pal, & Hazel, bunkmate cum suuuuuper organised college mag rep, & ann-marie, the girl who adores her spikey hair, & Ben, earthwatch guy who loves to play the EGG game, & Alvin, the bo chap VS guy (as labelled by hannah), & Gabriel, newly elected band president who tried to steal my packet of nat. confectionary gummies, & Jun han, the intellectual and calm dude, & Zheng jun, SC rep that cracks sick and lame jokes, & of course, HANNAH, our facil who never fails to make me smile / cry at times. ;)

Over a span of 4 days, we played many games, attended talks like how to dress and match our clothes, took personality test of which im an INFJ ( Introvert, Intuition, Feeling, Judging). pretty cool test actually, i thought it was qutie accurate. Elaine claims she is an introvert, of which she is totally not ! :p Late nights with Elaine was pretty awesome actually, where we talked about practically anything and everything under the MOON and STARS. During the camp, we played interesting games like OH MY_______ (egg!!!) & anth game which i thought was pretty cool, smth like Cluedo where we have to interrogate suspects (our facils) and search for evidence before deciding who the murderer and what's the murder weapon. GREAT FUN ! Some were dressed up as policeman, forensic doctor, business man/woman & of course, the maid, acted out by hannah ! Calvin acted out as a mute gardener but FAILED terribly cos his phone rang while we were interrogating him and he had to answer it. lol !

On bash night, everyone was dressed to the nines and elaine and i went :OOOOO -jaw drop- at some others FORMAL attire. haha. i swear, on the camp pack list, it said SMART CASUAL attire. haha. -shrugs- Eirene was suuper high that night & it doesnt help that she and Nazri were the emcees. haha. Julian and the CT president won the bash night King and Queen title. :DD it's okay, elaine, my sexyae and prettaye friend, and gabriel who represented Blue's Clues! haha. we are the champions, no matter what.

Towards the ending of the camp, that's when i got pretty emotional. Long story, a lot of stuff were gg through my mind while Hannah passed me the ribbon that said "Who I Am Makes a Difference", inside stuff-clic ppl will know. :) As she said those words to me, i felt immensely glad and appreciated. I know how much Aquila means to her & as she passed the ribbon on to me, i felt the same way as she did. :) dont worry hannah, you still look glam and pretty no matter what happens. haha.

All good things come to an end. let's hope 08 peeps will work with one another. A huge diff we're gna make if SC, CT & HOUSE COMM were to work well tgt ! Cant wait, cant wait !

WE.WILL.WIN.THE.WAR.

ONE.TEAM.

2008-05-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

With such a GREAT Coach and AWESOME snrs, what more can we ask for? :D haha, just a random and suuuper late post of the pics taken right after finals. oh yes, CONGRATS to karen lombardi for winning FOTY ( Face of the Year) Total yay-ness ! :D

Last words

2008-05-19T08:15:00.000-07:00

what do you do
when your life reduced to a mere A4 coloured photo
when your body's reduced to ashes
Does it matter anymore

On your road to nothingness
Your kins weep for you
Things turn ugly
Some raise their voice, unhappy
Others cry buckets for you, upset
Does it matter anymore

i wished you didnt have to witness this
i hoped you have gone to a faraway place
where you didnt have to worry
about all this arguments
Does it really matter anymore?

In loving memory.
#4th eldest grandchild

P.S im not emo-ing. Some of you will know what im talking about, most will not. it's alright. Dont worry about a thing. :)

EXCITING WEEK!

2008-05-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

A LOUD SHOUTOUT TO ALL!

hello everyone, this is my first post after a very VERY longggg time. haha. My ultimate aim is not to bore people out with my life. :P This has been a highly eventful week for me, both good and bad. Here's a summary:

Mon: Received some ominously bad news ( private and confidential) , only some of my closest pals know about it. Hope Everything Going to Turn Out Okay.

Tues: Anxiety for the last & Final match of the soccer season starts to kick in.

Wed: Soccer finals & house comm results !!! Both were AWESOME news. :DD

Thurs: Unpleasant times at home w/ mum (inside story) & House investiture.

Fri: PW and Physics lessons cancelled ! leaving me with the earliest sch dismissal time EVER! 1210~ -grins-

Thou shalt yadayada abit more abt today. Visited IJ fiesta with money, a-line, Evil & Alyssa, felt kidna strange but it was enjoyable. : D It amazing to see how close money and evil's mums are! money's mum was dragging evil's mum by the sleeve and saying,"Let's go ! let's go!", just the way i can imagine money doing that to evil. LOL.

Soccer guys semis was EXHILARATING to watch. Plenty of good saves by keepers and our vj soccer guys did really well! beating ac 4-1. Gomez came on the pitch for ard 10 mins and scored 1 goal. Superb lah, Gomez! haha. Chester did a beautiful header, Andes and the rest of the attackers did a great job in putting extreme pressure on the ACJC GK. hehhes. WELL DONE, SOCCER GUYS & CONGRATS! : D

lastly, went back to SN with A-line Channnn, disguised as a ex-student. :P Met Mrs Yeo at the general office & i cant help but exclaim how much i missed her lessons ! she was always full of energy and happiness, coupled with song and dance sessions admist annoying math. ;) She still sticks to her, " NO LAH, you dont need tuition !" though i desperately need helppppp. haha. i miss her, really. Choyster was not ard, so no orange bowl for me & aline. saddddd.

So much stuff has happened recently & i'm starting to feel the effects of my neglection of friends that used to matter SO, SO MUCH to me. However, i hope that with this blog, i'll be able to keep track of my life in a positive way! :)

P.S :WU JIAXING! IMISSYOU!

So long & goodnight, all!

2008-05-16T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hi BING! Sorry for the invasion.

"HI PING!"
"HI PONG!"
"why your blog so empty?"
"because i CLICKFIVE times, but still ITS EMPTY."

please delete this post after you take over. haha. Its so crappy. XP

COLB! WUYIL!

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME
XOXO
GOSSIP GIRL

hello block two four three.
with love from block two five eight

busssss partner!