Back to square one.

"One day, when you've broken your leg, don't crawl back to me. I don't want to take the trouble taking care of you."

I got home, first few sentences i heard through the muffled playing of my poddy. Words to that effect. It feels like back to square one all over again. All the hype about the new year, new resolutions have all gone down the drain. Do you know how it hurts? I know some probably have felt it, or had worse times. I just felt the need to rant this out, writing wld be too slow. Too many thoughts in my head. Everything i had got destroyed. All i think about now is, WHY am i doing what i'm doing? Both sides of my groin hurts like hell when i walk, my knee is bruising to a terribly ominous black colour, hurts when i run. Both ankles feel too weak to support my heavy build. My head hurts, my heart is heavy again. All i have are memories of how it hurts to stay home.

Today, i felt real good working with the bunch of funky, crazy people over lunch. It was light-hearted, simple, unsuperficial and productive in a sense. There was no serious discussion, only unintentional mocking about bananas and calories. I liked it, in comparison to others that i have to work with. I'm counting down the days, weeks, whatever.

Leaving. Leaving behind loved ones, those that grief even if they may not know you inside out. I've always pondered, how it's like leaving and hearing the cries of those that mattered. I have been one of those that grieved, i have shed my tears, i have been through it. It was never easy, all i can take from it to lighten the grief is that they have gone to a better place. Somewhere with nothing but love and happiness. So, fret not my friends, i pray for thee, that he has gone to a better place. Stay strong, for there are those that need you.

The Pact. Death surrounds me day in day out as i read about a novel about Chris Harte and Emily Gold. I empathise with them, though they may be surreal. It was such intense emotions that touched me to feel like them. I met up with someone that night, after a long while, i shared about what my views and what i have been going through. She said i sounded jaded and tired. Indeed, perhaps, i am. Irony of it all, we seem to have gone through a reversal of roles after a year of bare minimum contact. She asked if i was angry, why shld i? It's her own life, i play no part in it anymore. Somehow, i have grown out of my tiny comfort zone. Who's to blame? No one in particular, just that i simply can't forget how i was thrown into the fire and left to continue on our paths as separate souls.

Don't worry about a thing, i will be okay before long.

Dear jiaxing, hope you're doing great over at your side, and your application for your desired university will be successful. I'll call you up soon, or you can do the same to me. Chinese New Year's coming up! ha, i rmbed we caught a movie together on the 2nd day of new year. ;)

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon/
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon/

Highest order of angels, you are so so special to me.