Esoteric prophecy.

A stranger to this cyberspace right now, haven't blogged for ages. But here i am, on this dreary and lazy sunday allocating time-out for myself. Words and language have always been an outlet. Rants and Rambles, i wld always say. This provides a comfort to the world of dark clouds that looms overhead and the whirlpool of events that engulfs me, leaving nothing but a shadow of who i've been. On the outside, i am a contrast to who i am inside. However, i tell myself this which keeps me going despite all the SHIT that happens:

Optimism is the key. When all is down and out, look to the tiny little things that brings a smile across your face. Random surprises that are gifted with colours bring about joy to my previously grey and dark canvas before me.

Let's begin with the start of soccer season. Worst performance ever. I somewhat forsee a bad showing but it has got to be my worst. We won 8-0, deserving score because strikers did really well. Individually, everything was a blur. I wanted to win, i wanted to do well but my esteem got to me. I can't block out all that's happened previously. Just a display of a weakling, i broke down before that but no one noticed. All who had wished me luck or encouraged me came from the most unexpected ppl. I was really touched by the simple fact that they rmbed. Thank you mel, ra, cherlyn and louise, and Joansie. You have no idea how impt those sweet msges meant to me then. Epic disappointment came from those whom i thought i would have derived motivation yet, didn't happen in the end. It became a different ball game entirely.

On good friday :]

'I hereby solemly swear that i will be a good girl'

Every new discovery, every new chillout place that i discover makes my day, coupled with friends that never fail me in the simplest company. A place called Udders we discovered by chance. I left a footnote for you, my Daffodil. ;]

An envelope of happy sticks i recieved, Spells of nothing less than love i see. Promises of a never-ending journey together, our determination to push on shall not falter.

Never met anyone like you, Who can bring me to a record-breaking high, or low when you're not around. Like a poppy flower, you're my sole addiction.

An opium of the new kind, you occupy my thoughts and mind. All i can see and breathe, is you & i will never want to let go.

;D

-

Imagine if i escaped this place, left behind all my family and friends, and all the things i thought i was important. I know everything is not smooth-sailing for everyone now, but to be honest, everyone has their own limits of immense pain felt. For some, it may be the scolding from whom you respected or held fear for. Others may be the nagging and uncooperative people at home. For me, i'm going through all of the above, plus stresses of having to perform well at a personal level for each and every single day, yet at the same time stay motivated to motivate others to push on as well. Stresses to perform, academically. I have never been compelled to attend remedials before, now it has become a must, 3 times a wk after sch. Otherwise, paranoia sets in and i tell myself i am not doing enough. Stresses to lead and serve, when i'm all alone in my cause. I have to set a good example for the young ones, finish what i set out to complete, despite all loss of respect from my committee of 6. A need to stay strong at home, 'cause everyone's been drained already. A problem that will forever persist, an unhappiness that will always dwells under the roof we three stay in. Can i even say 'we' anymore? It has become of more of an individualistic level. The day will come where we go our separate paths and start all over again. Stresses to balance it all out, I am indeed tired. Detest the fact that i am too intuitive. Although you say everything is ok, i know it's not ok. Although you say you don't know a thing, but you drop a hint, an indication that you know what's going on but you don't wish to tell me.

I overthink the process, i do. But i can't help it when i see some things that ppl don't usually see. Sometimes, when you think your life is bad enough, tell yourself not to be myopic and think for others. Life gets better that way. Even now, i am doubting if my life can get any worse than it already is but i divert my attention to others, who need me more than i do to myself. There can be no heal to the already broken and tangled up mess. Slowly but surely, things will get better. That is my prophecy, if you get me.

-

Mankind is deluded by shadows; Mankind is infatuated by shadows; and yet, what solace is there, otherwise?