HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIAXING !!! :]

hey pal/bro, thank you for all the ranting moments over the phone and pouring out our woes. I was really upset that we couldn't be there this year to celebrate your 18th birthday. You're one-of-a-kind, my friend. Don't be sad okaaaay, even though people may think you're 21 already. haha. Here's a toast to you, and more exciting moments to come! i'll keep you in my thoughts, forever and a day. :]

Old photographs, pretty unglam but nevermind;

_____

We're walking side by side;

Pulsating with the stars and the sky. <3!

Back to square one.

"One day, when you've broken your leg, don't crawl back to me. I don't want to take the trouble taking care of you."

I got home, first few sentences i heard through the muffled playing of my poddy. Words to that effect. It feels like back to square one all over again. All the hype about the new year, new resolutions have all gone down the drain. Do you know how it hurts? I know some probably have felt it, or had worse times. I just felt the need to rant this out, writing wld be too slow. Too many thoughts in my head. Everything i had got destroyed. All i think about now is, WHY am i doing what i'm doing? Both sides of my groin hurts like hell when i walk, my knee is bruising to a terribly ominous black colour, hurts when i run. Both ankles feel too weak to support my heavy build. My head hurts, my heart is heavy again. All i have are memories of how it hurts to stay home.

Today, i felt real good working with the bunch of funky, crazy people over lunch. It was light-hearted, simple, unsuperficial and productive in a sense. There was no serious discussion, only unintentional mocking about bananas and calories. I liked it, in comparison to others that i have to work with. I'm counting down the days, weeks, whatever.

Leaving. Leaving behind loved ones, those that grief even if they may not know you inside out. I've always pondered, how it's like leaving and hearing the cries of those that mattered. I have been one of those that grieved, i have shed my tears, i have been through it. It was never easy, all i can take from it to lighten the grief is that they have gone to a better place. Somewhere with nothing but love and happiness. So, fret not my friends, i pray for thee, that he has gone to a better place. Stay strong, for there are those that need you.

The Pact. Death surrounds me day in day out as i read about a novel about Chris Harte and Emily Gold. I empathise with them, though they may be surreal. It was such intense emotions that touched me to feel like them. I met up with someone that night, after a long while, i shared about what my views and what i have been going through. She said i sounded jaded and tired. Indeed, perhaps, i am. Irony of it all, we seem to have gone through a reversal of roles after a year of bare minimum contact. She asked if i was angry, why shld i? It's her own life, i play no part in it anymore. Somehow, i have grown out of my tiny comfort zone. Who's to blame? No one in particular, just that i simply can't forget how i was thrown into the fire and left to continue on our paths as separate souls.

Don't worry about a thing, i will be okay before long.

Dear jiaxing, hope you're doing great over at your side, and your application for your desired university will be successful. I'll call you up soon, or you can do the same to me. Chinese New Year's coming up! ha, i rmbed we caught a movie together on the 2nd day of new year. ;)

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon/
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon/

Highest order of angels, you are so so special to me.

School's in.

A horrible place where i am held captive.

Okay, first week of school was pretty alright. I have fufilled my new year resolution of squeezing time out for myself. The feelings of an overkill was so strong and obvious, like the sort that shouts it right in your face. So, it's gna be an elimination of things that i really dont wish to do, despite committments and obligations. I will make the final call. Effectively, my days got shorter as the week came to an end, i spent quality time with those that i really cherish, a good lead up to the weekends. :)

Highlights: Econs lesson that felt like lit/ Going home while the sun is still up/ Starting to watch The L word again/ No lessons on wed/ Adam Khoo workshop/ Writing in my notebook/ Movie screening at house den/ Changeling ;) /Wild buying spree at 7 elevens/ The Cavern/

To tell the truth, term 1 is going to be hell of a roller coaster ride. Many planning to do, i know im gna be looking more and more tired when it comes. The despair, disappointment and worry for some of my closest friends will continue. When term 1 ends, i want it to end on a good note. I have been writing a lot more. Writing in my tiny notebook. Be it fantasy, real life updates or random rants and doodles. I like it that way. So, this place will probably be much less frequented or updated. Nonetheless, i will try to make it a point. :)

Take me somewhere, Take me faraway/
Make me feel like i'm the reason for today/

Let's escape.

Gooday mate, 2009 :D

Plenty of hellos and goodbyes this entire year. 2009 came unknowingly this year and there're too much to say, too little time. Some apologies and thank yous have to be made, nevertheless.

List of special people who made an impact on me:
(In no order, mere random)

1. vjsg seniors ; Kuan ren/Karen, Nat, Xiang/Mentor, Bob, Lo, Lele, Azlin, Peiqi/Freckles, Potz. Thank you so much for all your guidance, care and concern. Words cannot express how touched i was while i was reading all your letters after teamnight, it reminds me of how much we've been through together and everyone of you is such as insipration to me.

2. Coach Az, Thank you for having that belief in me and pushing us so hard. I have been the fittest in my entire life now, under your training. You are a role model and we look up to you to bring us there.

3. VJSG 0809, A very special bunch of people who have come from different walks of life and which i have learnt to work with. Too much to say to all of you, you'll will see soon, from a special letter from me to you soon.

4. St. Nicks Playing Cards Clique; Cong, Limzhen, Yanzhen, Amimy, Debbie tan, Alyy, Hilda. Thanks for all the fun times playing bridge, tai ti, red/green/brown tic-a-tac, camwhoring sessions, sleepovers, bbq and doing silly things. At the same time, sorry for not turning up for most of the outings and as the year goes on, less and less meet ups and sleepovers due to other committments, i will always keep you all in mind.

5. DEHZYY; Debbie, Estee, Hilda, Ziqin, Yiling. It is a regret that we hardly catch up although we have managed well for the 4 years despite being separated into a variety of classes after sec1. haha, but a big thank you for the christmas cards! We will try harder this year.

6. 0809 HOUSE, Although we may not have been the closest of friends, and i've been always accused of pungseh-ing you all, thank you for all the crazy fun times. Like sakae buffet and all the organising of house activites, you have been such a joy to hang around. Never awkward around aaron, eugene and teddy, i will try my best not to ps yall, really!

7. NETTIES; Jenna, Mel, Ally, JX, Debbie, Regi, Jasmine, Sara. Thank you for all the monthly catch-up sessions. It did work for the first few months! haha, always a thrill to be around. Thanks for all the new year wishes and christmas cards. like what ally said, no matter on which part of the world you are, you will always be remembered. All of you are such a dear to me.

8. 08S44, Thank you for being part of my vj life. The first bunch of friends that i would paobably have early this year. All of you have been extremely supportive and i needed that. Thanks to Chin yuan and irving, happy new year to you too! here's wishing all of you a great 2009 and less being late for lessons, ponning lectures and poking fun of kwok. : P

9. Jiaxing, Hey pal, Distance can never separate true friends. I have new updates for you, will try to call soon. Thanks for your card and picture of you when you were young! i hope u'll receive mine soon. :D & once again, i miss you terribly. Stay safe and have a great year ahead !

10. Sara, Happy New Year to you! I know you're not sm to take the initiative to keep up with old friends, so i rlly appreciate it when you ask me out. Liquid kitchen soon, yes? Have a good year ahead. I'm sure you'll achieve great things in cross country.

11. Mel, Thank you for your random msges telling me how much you miss me and i feel the same way too, twin! You're too sweet, dont overstretch youself planning all the OCIPS and everything. I'm happy for you that you're so close-knitted with your class. To more beautiful moments to come.

12. Gen, I'm really fortunate to have known you better as the year goes on by. We face the same situations most of the time, to more soccer and house events, we will stay strong and get through everything. At the end of it all, we can sit back, relax and smile upon happy memories. Thank you for giving me a chance to get closer to you. Love you for who you are! :D

13. Aline, You've been one of my closest buddy this year and i rlly appreciate you for always been there when i feel like rawrring like a lion. In this new year, i promise myself and to you that i will keep an open mind and emotions in check. I will be there for you when you feel angsty. Stay strong for me, you're the best!

14. Tano, thank you for sticking it out with me throughout the PAE, horrible decision-making period and right now, keeping it strong for team VJSG. Have confidence in yourself and stay brave, you'll survive mr lim's trng eventually! We're all in this together. :D

15. Leonie, you probably wont see this, but i am still thankful for the fact that you were once part of me. I am sorry i wasn't there for you as the year got by due to other committments. Pls take care of yourself 'cause i can't be there for you all the time anymore. Cheer up okay. & i know all i can manage is a com'on but you know what i mean, hope 2009 will be better. Dont be so pessimistic.

Alright, that's all i can manage for now. Sorry if i have left anyone out. In this coming year, i promise to be less possessive and more sensitive. Will keep my new year resolutions a hush hush, less probe more privacy pls.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FELLOW COMRADES !

What a night.
you & i, collide.