Please Don't Fret.

Tmr is the last day, that's what i hear on everyone's lips. & it's just great to be reminded of that. Every single day now, i dread school so much i never knew i could, yet somehow, i manage to pull myself out of bed and know there's a greater purpose to living on, besides for my own mundane needs.

Playing the same song over and over again,smth about i saw you, you saw me, that's when i needed you, you needed me; i love you, you love me. is it possible we love differently. We're alright now, gonna breakdown the breakdown. To love without obligation, that's the greatest thing anyone can achieve because loving is meant to be simple, it has no terms or conditions. You love them for who they are, give them security and make them feel safe.

-

My gp tutor was talking about ppl in school today, she sees things that makes so much sense. i adore her for that even though she can be a bore when i'm not in the mood. Today, i concur with whatever she said with a disclaimer note that most ppl wldn't like to hear what she's abt to say. She mentioned that in this rapidly growing society, there's this moral disintegration rapidly eating away.Surrounded by people with no empathy and yet we claim that we are civil, there is no politeness, no gratitude shown. Sometimes we get weary and we conveniently forget, or other times, we face the peer pressure to pretend to just look away because you'll be a loser if you do the right things all the time. Note, i'm criticising myself in a way. We've always asked for a better world, why be a coward and take a backseat. Yet i see how we're all insignificant in this world we live in,& it's hard to change.

-

Baby, please don't fret.

Today's a bad boo boo.

Today, i was unproductive.
Today, i had 6 periods of pe.
Today, i got my personal best timing for 2.4km.
Today, i got cheated with extra lessons way overtime.
Today, i got a kit kat but didnt have a break.
Today, i gave away stickers like i did before.
Today, i was left behind 'cause i was slow to act.
Today, i felt lost.
Today, i made small talk with sm whom i dislike.
Today, i ask a questions but was ignored, not once, not twice, maybe thrice or more.
Today, i got cheated as i walked out alone.
Today, i got on the bus home while the sun was still in the sky.
Today, i looked away.
Today, my emotions came and in a split second i felt naked before a bus of strangers.
Today, i revert back to before.
Today, i cut...

I'm not that strong, You're not that weak.
It's not your fault.

Tmr will be better. Let it be.

Chapter one.

Johnny was young, he was as carefree as a lark. He lived on a hillside not faraway, in a wooden hut he called The Sanctuary. It was a beautiful place, with a navy blue lorry parked on the driveway, a short drive away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Like all children his age, he had parents. Unknown to many, Johnny had a very unhappy childhood. Whenever his father came home, he noticed the change in the atmosphere under his roof. His mother would go silent and retreat into her room. His father would remain silent as well, a fatherly figure that was non-existent which go as far back as he could remember. It continued on for years, the cut in his heart that go deeper and deeper. No one celebrates his birthday in his family, major occassions became insignificant. Johnny became a shadow of his formerly carefree self. He didn't understand why his family was unlike others. Many questions weighed him down and he was helpless because he was only a child, always a child in his parents' eyes.

Until one sunday, he woke up to find both his mother and father was already out of the house. A few hours later, his father came home to leave lunch on the table while hurriedly leaving home. From the corner of his eye, Johnny saw a teary-eyed figure who has crumbled. The years of silence left carvngs on this face and his strong silhouette shattered into pieces. & Then his mother came home soon after, asking if his father said anything. They had signed the papers, that's what she said. Young and innocent, Johnny didn't understand what she meant, what papers, he'd asked but she kept quiet. Perhaps it was a mother's instinct to keep the truth from the child. Overprotective and shielded Johnny away from what she thought he couldn't understand, but he did.

Johnny was alone, sitting on the grass basking in the warm sunlight. That's what he enjoyed most, nature. Surrounded by meadows and Daffodils, gave him the pleasure and calmness he always enjoyed. On this same sunday, seated on the same spot under a great Banyan tree, he was watching the sun paint the sky a shade of crimson yellow and red. On the fields of Daffodils, he would jump and prance around. Deep within him, his heart dances with the Daffodils and nothing else could bring him comfort that the sparseness and serenity could. As night falls, he could see what's infront of him anymore. The sun is disappearing below the horizon, and so he started running. He ran and ran and ran, chasing after the sun, chasing his dreams...

It's what you do to me.

TCC ;D

-

I woke today at the lazing hour, having had a pretty long nightmare which i can't remember details of. Only faint images of disarray and hectic schedules, woke up feeling damn right relieved that it's a sunday. Yet disappointed because i let lethargy get to me again. I think i might turn into a nightcrawler someday in the near future. While all that are fantasies, realistically speaking, i have a day life to lead and nothing can change that fact. Despite all the waste of time through sleeping, i managed to develop photographs and go for a hair cut. Best part, i fell asleep again later on the afternoon, waking up to realise it's close to 9. What to do, i let it sink in that i'm indeed tired. It's like an accumulation of sleepless nights. Some people say it isn't true, the accumulation of hours of lack of sleep daily. I believe it's something to do with the mentality when you know you haven't manage to sleep well. Subconsciously, your mind rejects the idea of waking up when it knows you can afford to sleep more. [Anthropology]

Due to a slip up of lack of insensitivity, i forgot to reply a msg which incurred some displeasure. I hate it when people don't reply my msges, as such i understand the unhappiness i caused. I promise not to do it again. & yet there are others whom i know will take forever to reply,reason being: 1) They just didn't feel like replying at the point in time& forgot to thereafter; 2) They are terribly mad at me.

My mind is rather disorientated now, i fear yet look forward to the coming week. Everyday i realise new things about humanity. How hard some people try and give their best yet do not get a chance to start, in comparison to someone who has lost passion and enthusiasm yet has a headstart due to sheer experience. But maybe, a vicious cycle may come back to bite me in the arse and tell me i don't deserve it.

Like puppy lapdogs,
Overenthusiastic & rash.
Sarcasm splattered all over the fence,
the border that was always meant to be.


Enough about me, everything is such a bore. Maybe i'll talk about johnny the next time instead.

Evocative.

I remember feeling low...
I remember losing hope...
I remember all the feelings the day they stopped.

Today, marks great significance after giving further thought on my way home. It seems like it was just yesterday, a year ago...

Immense joy and excitement washed over upon me all the way till night fall:
I won my first national championships;
I was announced Captain unexpectedly.

Today,
Our team qualified for the finals, a contender to become Champions again;
I officially step down as Captain.

It was a maelstrom of emotions as House comm has left deep impressions on me. Many a time, i wished i was stripped of the badge i wear on my chest because it weighed me down and reminded me of my responsibilty and ownership over my committee. Today, it dawned on me that i wasn't going to be wearing any name tag anymore, i am reduced to normality and typicality. The journey for House has ended, and i feel like i've had a great loss. Kenickie's msg reminded me of all the fun times,Draquila on the tree house during house camp, partying to chase away the monday blues, watching m&ms sizzle away in coke, karaoke sessions in the den, catching a movie at vivo, pasta mania dinner aft inter-house soccer, fun house comm outings! :]

& today, marks the last day of trying to balance out the 2 most impt committments since i stepped into college life. Just one more full week to go and i'm ready to say goodbye.

Thought of the week: We're only as tired as we want ourselves to be.

& now, i'm tired. So long & goodnight all.

Little wonders.

It's a Tuesday night, & i was out late. Away from all the crowd and gregarious laughter, the supposed fun and laughter i had been looking forward to was gone. Pain and lethargy sets in and every step i take became an aching need and preference to sit on some comfy chairs and not move instead. I took a picture in my mind, black dangling cylindrical lamps hang in a straight row from the ceiling, illuminating yellow light that shines upon. Beginning to ponder about my future, psychology at the home affairs is a total bore, i would rather be a roadsweeper instead, operating those big machines traveling at snailspeed along the highway, reduced to a crawl in comparison to speeding machines. I picture an ideal apartment with the one i cherish, clean and neat, just the two of us. We'll enjoy good food that we cook, have a wine cabinet and a rooftop with a sofa bed. Overlooking the city lights, all is modernistic and sleek-designed. I dreamt for a moment, and would love for it to stay that way. ;]

Luck, dearest. Perhaps sometimes these twists and turns of fate just need that bit of luck and open-mindness to counter. I'm crossing my fingers and toes, and pray that everything will start to go the way you want it to be!



-

I spoke to a genuine friend the other day, and it came to me then: Some ppl just takes and takes and takes, without giving in return. What these people care about all the time is how they feel, without a thought for others. They can go on ranting about things that may actually be mediocre and pale in comparison to what the listener is going through. Sometimes it is true, how you feel extremely ughhhh, and there's no way you could be sensitive to others because indeed, you are feeling worse than the other party. & then it came to me today, i could always be on the giving and i wouldn't mind, because i believe without giving, i won't be able to take away anything.





In the meantime, i make plans. Catching 2 plays on the last week of sch term :) Some little things i enjoy, because for once, your mind's attention is away from yourself but on the characters on stage. The focus shall be away from you and your seemingly endless worries and troubles.

-

Little wonders:D

I love indie, i love this place and its wooden tables and chairs. The thought of it tucked away in a tiny corner makes me happy. I can study there and people-watch and no one will notice you because we're all the same, looking for good food and enjoying laid-back moments.

Everything will end soon, godspeed. Let it be quick.

Seek out clarity.

The days are counting down,
140 minutes more to protect and serve,
Momentary pride i felt today,
Became an anaethesia to a body, frail.

Criticisms and ignorance too great to bear,
I walk away to hide,
Music separates I from the outer world,
Alone, i am nothing,
Just a red-eyed weakling,
putting up a tough front.
No one notices.

Scribbly writings on the back of a paper,
Black paragraphs fill in like an army of ants,
More messy it is, the better,
No one reads.

When the battle's lost and won,
When the sandstorm's over,
The dust and grains of sand will settle,
& Clarity defines us for who we are.

-

I'll spend a million nights just like tonight
You know I screamed your name at the sky
until I lost my voice
I'd give my life for you
Just stay tonight, & make everything alright.

I'm fervently hoping for the day to come, where i can have brunch at P.S cafe on a saturday/sunday morning. Read my book, pen some prose or poetry about nature while enjoying the greatest company i could ever ask for. :]