Failed expectations.

So fucking screwed.

Spare the vulgarities, but that's what i feel now. All that i've worked so hard for to fufil my duties and make it good, at least for this start of the year has all come to nought. Perhaps i put too much blame on my shoulders, and it's too much to bear. I don't even want to start with the people 'cause it's too much to say. I'm tired of blaming and trying, it's evidently not working based on the end result. I do not need anyone telling me what i should do, 'cause i'm tired of pleasing everyone. I will only listen to one, one whom i trust on and depend on. & that one, whom i will do everything for, to please. :]

Reflect? I reflect all the time. There's no measurement for comparison. Different levels of responsibility, Different people to work with, Different emotions they bring. One good thing that came to me today was the number 37, my position for cross country in school today. Seniors were there briefly and feelings of nostalgia came to me all over again, so simplistic and joyous everything was when they were around. A role model to look up to. Hannah, my CAPTAIN in my heart forever, left an impact on me like no one has ever had before. Aq means so much to me, so so much, just that i feel so alone on my cause now.

Justification in my sole cause,
Can anyone tell me what it is?
Perfecting loneliness
was never an easy task,
But all you put on is an empty mask.
Only when you are all alone
then you can live, as it is a must.

-

Dear jx, come take my frightening jc life away from me, take it all away. The best part of the week, supposed to happen on friday, didn't happen in the end. I lived everything in a blur and i'm at a loss of what to do. It became complicated and tiresome. Good times happened, but the hard times etched more clearly.

Dear aly, i'm so sorry i havent got the chance to reply your letter. Don't think too much about my emo posts, & i wont get facebook anytime soon! too lazy, unless you set one up for me. hee.

I Spy With My Little Eye...

A classroom with the spinning fan
A blank dark canvas within my mind
A number 71 painted on rough road tiles
A row of yellow jerseys running in line
A dancer with heart-felt contemporary moves
A formation on the white board
A ball rolling steadily past the white line
A crazy bitch with the commanding whistle

-

A throng of crowd at my fav place
A familiar face with her pink leopard stripes tote
A nostalgic figure with a brilliant smile
A setting sun and dark clouds overhead
A waterfront bay and ripples on the water
A set of notes all over my lap
A bulge on my shin
A comforting shadow beside me
An ice-cream parlour in subway

-

And the list goes on... So glad i met up with old friends, like the netties on friday night and debbie for today, also caught up with Chun through messaging, unexpected but always a joy. Laden with heavy workload and covered with injuries and bruises, we still urge each other on to survive. No one is worse off or better off than the other, we become equals. We share things we never dared to share with current friends. Friends that are sweet and nice, not naive and immature. Too intuitive about ppl around me, i can read some like an open book, expression clear on the faces to see. Perhaps i'm the same, i wouldn't know. The thing is, i am genuinely glad to be around those that i know truly care about me. Despite how tired and aching my body is, i'll still put on a comforting smile on my face, 'cause i know they'll be there.

Next week is hell, watch this:
mon-wed: House interviews ( I'm in the ad hoc )
tues-thurs: Track and field meet for VOG ( I'm in charge along with mr tan )
thurs: Phy and Chem SPA ( which i am determined not to screw up )
mon, wed, fri: Trng
fri: X-country ( Aquila identity and dress-up comp )
fri: Gig @zouk

Pictures of you
I spy with my little eye
A heart that feels
& never lies.
Tell me, will you be mine?

Picturesque

"A picture held us captive. And we could not get outside it, for it lay in our language and language seemed to repeat it to us inexorably."

Happy belated birthday, Charmaine! :]

& Happy Valentine's Day all!

So many things to say, such a disoriented mind. I have plenty to tell but time does not allow. :[
In bits and pieces,

Starbucks@ fullerton/ Quiet P.S cafe set in a busy background/ chill out moments with ra/ fusion food/ Monstrous cakes/ Beep test/ 4x4.6km runs/ vday preparation/ read a book at coffee bean/ muffin with milk/ scribbles and rants on a paper napkin/ sandwiched bwteen my current read/ tuition that i manage to stay awake for/ overdued fees/ chocolates, sweets, cookies and balloons/ concert in the canteen/ chem remedial that i dozed off during/ og bbq/ cheer for my name/ long walk to BK/ Da jie da/ trudging home/ Letter from alyy!/ queensway secondary match/ strange girl shane "no.2"

I've been really touched by what i've received lately, feel so loved and unabandoned despite all the shit that everyone's been through. Surprisingly, my og mates made something very sweet for the ogls too, pictures and notes that are tied tgt and hung on the wall of my room right now. yay.

-

Happy box and cheesecake;

So unique and special to me,
it warms my heart & keeps me happy.
Seated by my bedside table,
it fits in perfectly.
I keep it close to me when i sleep,
'cause that's the only way i could be near you.

We're sleeping late by we're not lazy,
we're getting older but we're still crazy,
I'm so glad that i still have you to call mine.

-

Captured by a picture,
Enraptured by the view.
I fell in love again,
as i did with you.

Caffeine and Chocolates.

Survived on extremity.
Watch me sleep, I fell semi-unconscious
Unwilling to face the end of the world
For it was never pleasant to begin with

Watch me work,
I'll scribble and write;
I'll run and pant thereafter;
Don't push me, don't go overboard.
You're a f. asshole.

And then, i retreat to my inner thoughts
No more self-pity for there are others
That feels worse than i
I'll speak the truth and only the truth

It's a fact that everyone gets pissed off
Even i, it leaves me breathless and aching
Heart screams of tiresome chores and duties
Some hears and some understands
Because it is what they feel deep down too.

Don't think of what's to gain
Because it reduces you to whom you detest.
No more self, i'll throw myself away to care for
You
For You are more important than i.

-

If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks/
Then i'll follow you into the dark/

BANG BANG, ORIN SHOT YOU DOWN.

Orientation's finally over! & orin's the winning og for this year. So proud of teddy for leading the winning og. I guess all the other ogs put in as much effort as well, by the second day, many people were going around with hoarse and sexy voices. This new batch of freshies are really enthusiastic and they love mass dance, like omgeeee.

Joke of the day:
Person A: You know, i heard rumors that vj is HAUNTED.
Person B: Huh, how come!
Person A: Cause they say the school SPIRIT is very STRONG!

:O

haha, that's smth very lame i picked up from orientation.

-

Orientation was more or less filled with very fun and self-high og mates/ no need for facilitation at all/ Early mornings at lt3/4, sleepy-eyed bus rides/ Dry games with plenty of cheering/ Tiring trngs with extra effort to stay alert/ Aching bodies/ Falling asleep in the house den with poddies plugged/ wet games with back splashers like Gen and poh/ Sucking up to gamemasters/ Cheering sessions that got the whole floor of the hall shaking/ Og dinner at thai pan/ Escapades from mass dances/ Unappetizing lunches/ Skipped og dinner for tuition damnloser/ Partaying and Yum-seing with bubbling coke and m&ms to stay highhh and happy/ Sea reagetta no, CARNIVAL/ Sunburnt and dried up skin/ Trng with disappointed finish/ long story and happy ending.


Another week with You
I wouldn't have spend it with anyone else
Daffodil of my meadows
someday we'll find our idllyic retreat.

Anxiety Kills.

This entire week felt so long and eventful, i lost track of time.

I've retreated into the shelter and comfort of writing in my world, on my handy dandy notebook, smth that i've kept very close to my heart. & i will only show it to, but a few. Besides the usual schedule and notes and stuff, it contains the rawest and most truest of my thoughts at that point in time. Other than that, i've sought comfort in the physical form of a simple hug, during the most unrealistic form of escapism ( skipping lessons when i'm not supposed to). & im back to my old habit of distracting myself from the ache in my heart. Sitting in the back row of chem prac lesson, in a corner of my own, a clandestine affair.

Here's what i wrote during the lesson:
Panic attacks grips you by the moment. It comes and goes unnoticed by the ones on the outside; experienced only by an individual. Some shout it out, screams & yelps of panic. Others suffer on their own, they are silent and feels the worst on the inside. Arteries and veins are the giver of life, but alas! Panic strikes, and you'll feel it most. The constrict your heart to the point of suffocation. It begins with the rigorous thumping, the rate of your heartbeat increases. Then, comes the heartache, filled with loneliness and negativity. You want to cry but no tears fall. Perhaps it'll be better to wail it aloud, but no, you're bounded by emotions so overwhelming, it kills you slowly. There is no antidote, it chews slowly on your soul like you can literally feel the grinding of its malicious teeth, bent on baring its menacing side. There you are, left alone with an empty shell on the outside. Until someone special comes along and snaps you out of your surrealism; bring a genuine smile to your face; & makes the heartache go away.

Orientation is coming up this week for the new freshmen! I'm somewhat excited to meet this new batch, yet dreading the schedule and weekly routines of trng, tuition and friendly matches. The weekend is ending, and i dont want it to go away. No matter how tough my routine is, i believe there'll be others out there just like me.

Ra, hold on strong okay. Will keep on thinking about you and remembering your perseverance to keep on going. While i'm running on my soccer pitch, i will think about your weekly mileage of 35km. While i'm strugging to do my tutorials and revision, i will think about you and your H3 economics. P.S cafe soon, yes. :]

Side-note: Post-its are tools for happiness. :]